Day 120

My being has shifted. It dwells in greyness, coming out for some light every now and then. Reading through a beautiful book of memories and tributes created by a dear friend of his, I felt proud, sad and grateful. He brought light to so many people including me, mostly, through his kindness and humour.

A friend mentioned that her mother believed that it takes at least 7 years to get past something like this. Do I have to wait to get ‘past it’ before I can find joy and meaning? What does it mean to get ‘past it’ anyway? Do I really want to? Every morning I wake up with the thought of another day without him, the pain and anguish of it! Could I rejoice in the knowledge that he lives and will continue to do so in a way that is beyond my understanding?

Could I transform myself from a grey shadow into a source of light?

“Inside this new love, die.
Your way begins on the other side.
Become the sky.
Take an axe to the wall.
Escape. Walk out.
Like someone suddenly born into colour.
Do it now.
You’re covered in thick cloud.
Slide out the side. Die.
And be quiet.
Quietness is the surest sign that you’ve died.
Your old life was a frantic running from silence.
The speechless full moon comes out now.”


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