Day 128

Music was an integral part of my everyday quality time with myself. I spent it singing or listening to music or doing both at the same time. Singing along while cooking, driving and just pottering around the house is something I did subconsciously. Music was my constant companion and a great source of pleasure and relaxation. I was also taking vocal training lessons once a week. It was a highlight of my week – something I enjoyed very much. Tickets for concerts were bought months in advance with much excitement and anticipation.

Then came Day 0 and everything came to a sudden standstill. No music. I felt too vulnerable to connect with it. The rawness of my emotions sat too close to the surface to be disturbed in any way. I just wanted to be left alone.

My brother booked tickets for a concert this evening he knew I would enjoy. Initially I thought it was a mistake but went along anyway. I must give permission to myself to be happy. That is what my son would have wanted. I have to constantly remind myself of that. His life and the way he lived it holds that lesson in it.
He honoured a lot of my decisions with great dignity even if they did not make his life any easier. I must learn to do the same.

The singing this evening was soulful. Some exquisite moments brought tears to my eyes and I felt completely one with the universe. I felt free. It was wonderful to be reunited with my old friend.

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