Yes. I am surrounded by people I love and who love me. They are kind and sensitive. They are also coping like I am. They make normal conversations, crack jokes, go about their business, raise their children, work and play. Sometimes I can be like them. Other times I feel completely separate from them. I am in the room, sitting, smiling, nodding, interacting with everyone as I should. But I am not there.
I am somewhere else. It is a very silent place. It is dusky. My son and I live in it. He is invisible. I talk to him and tell him I am sorry and I love him. Everything is linked with him – these sunglasses, this rain, these people, this house……everything. I want to be in both places at the same time.
Much as I want to be in the here and now, I find myself gone.
I wonder if he can see me from wherever he is and know how I feel.
“Night falls fast.
Today is in the past.
Blown from the dark hill hither to my door
Three flakes, then four
Arrive, then many more.”
– Edna St. Vincent Millay