Day 166

“Equanimity” is defined as steadiness of mind under stress. It must be the perfect state to be in. Is it really possible to be in that state for most of the time?

Yesterday my partner and I visited the railway station where it happened. The last time I was there was on Day 0 – the same day that he was there for the very last time. I have been using it nearly everyday for the past 8 years. But yesterday was different. I was there just to sit. I did not intend to travel. Just sit. Be. Listen. Dissolve.

The loud screeching sounds of the metal wheels, the hum-drum of people around, the announcements, the red and green lights, the CCTV cameras, the automatic doors opening and closing – all the things he must have experienced that day. What courage and determination it must have taken! The desperation. The resolve. The point of no return.

The 4 posters at the 4 corners of the station were new – lime green and white in colour.

“We’re in your corner. Whatever you’ve done. Whatever life’s done to you. No names. No pressure. No judgement. We’re here for you. Anytime. SAMARITANS 08457 909090”

Thank you for being there. Amazing work!

Sitting with my eyes closed feeling his presence in my heart, feeling one with him, I felt deep deep sadness. Tears fell and grief engulfed me. My longing for him set my heart beating frantically and ripped my spirit apart. I felt shattered and could not understand anything. I felt broken and burnt by the onslaught of anger and the flames of all possible emotions.

I know this is all a part of understanding, of healing, of loving deeply and completely.

“Love isn’t wonderful all the time, it is struggles, it can be chaos, it can lift you up and it make you fall, but within those times that you break, there is beauty, there is honesty, there is clarity, and there will be peace.” –Blogger “feminin1”

Today was a day of firsts – first train ride, first day back at work and the first invitation to speak to a gathering of Mums on depression and suicide prevention. 🙂

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