Day 198

This evening I knocked on my neighbour’s door to borrow a couple of onions for a tortilla I wanted to cook for dinner. She didn’t have any. She said my son used to occasionally knock on her door for the same reason. We both smiled. She then said,” I would just substitute it with celery. That’s what I once told him.” So, that is what I did. I substituted 2 onions with a stick of celery. It made me feel like my son and I had shared this event with each other and had a laugh.

I look for a connection with him everywhere. In the kitchen, the local park, in the sky, the local shops, his friends, his school and teachers, in daisy chains, the sun behind the clouds, music … everywhere.

When a child is born, the parent’s lives change forever.
When a child dies, it is the same.

The park bench was the perfect place to sit facing the sun with my eyes closed. I sat silently feeling the coolness of the breeze and the warmth of the sun at the same time. I just sat still with my eyes closed. An indeterminate amount of time later I found a deep connection inside. The connection between me and myself, between me and my son, between me, the universe and beyond. I felt one with everything and everybody. I felt completely at peace. Everything felt perfect. I felt happy.

Later I understood that all those things that I try to find outside of me are actually present within me already.

3 thoughts on “Day 198

  1. I can’t even begin to comprehend your loss and the pain you still endure and plethora of other feelings rioting through you. but i read your page everyday now. stumbled upon it from Chetan sir’s facebook post. we might be strangers for each other but still connected in a strange way. your father was in bokaro for long when Chetan sir was going through legal ordeal. during those days of struggle,despair,exasperation and running to various govt. officials , my husband Ajay Dubey was constantly by Uncle ji’s side and we spent a lot of time together. During those times he shared with us all the stories from Army days n your childhood. As i also have air force background and ajay has HAL background ,we all were so much at ease with each other. Those days were tough for everyone and i cried a lot the day sir finally walked out…it was such a relief.
    came to know last week of the huge huge loss . I was numb with shock and pain. started reading your blog. can’t even begin to express what i feel. will just say that i went through many pages and follow your pages religiously now. you are very brave and strong. i learn a lot from you.

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    • Dear Madhavi,
      Thank you so much for your comment. A bigger thanks for being such a source of strength for my father and hence the whole family when we were going through a very difficult time. There is so much for all of us to learn. Kindness is what makes us beautiful – you and your husband are very beautiful. I hope we will meet some day. Lots of love to all the family, Sangeeta. xxx

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  2. Dear Sangeeta DI,
    I hope you don’t mind the salutation…its the Indian way of forging a bond and addressing elders. what Ajay did in bokaro was his duty as a colleague and fellow human so no need for thanking us. We all need one another at some point in time. He calls Vandita maám didi because she is a dubey too :). we too look forward to meeting you. Ajay and I admire you for your deep understanding and acceptance of life as it pans out. it’s easily said than done.
    lots of love and regards

    madhavi

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