Newborn babies were one of the reasons I liked being an obstetric anaesthetist, one who looks after pain relief for laboring mums, women undergoing Caesarean sections and everything else to do with bringing babies safely into this world. I loved holding the little things, talking to them, generally coochy-cooing with them and taking pictures of them with their mum and dad (which incidentally becomes part of the job).
At social gatherings my son often used to jokingly warn parents of babies to watch out for me as I could easily steal one of their little ones. He knew I loved them.
Since I have got back to work, I have been doing the same job but I feel nothing when I look at the newborns. Nothing at all. I just look at them.
Today there was a bright eyed baby boy who caught my eye. He held my gaze for what seemed like a long time. His little facial muscles twitched frequently causing miniscule movements in his forehead, lips and cheeks but his eyes stayed locked in mine. At one point it seemed he was going to cry but he didn’t. He just looked at me.
I was taken by surprise. I was forced to say, “ Welcome, Trouble!”.
And smile.
Recycling at its best.
kidsaregifts 
Yes, they say that time heals. They also say if you do not feel like doing something, act as if you enjoy what you doing…and the feelings will follow. You are doing what you are doing because that is what you are good at. Keep doing what you are doing, there will be fleeting moments of happiness and those will grow.
Take care of yourself.
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Thank you. I really do enjoy my work. It is a blessing. I am lucky. At present I find it very tiring but it’s getting better. xxx
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When you down there, there is only one way and that is up.
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Anhedonia is the part of depression that I loathe the most. Hugs for you, you have so much to grieve, I hope you’ll feel better soon… That sounds trite, but I mean it. You’re still doing a beautiful and important job, and spreading happiness to others even though your heart is broken. You are a truly good person. The anhedonia will pass (revolting bastard that it is). What’s your support system like?
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I see a counsellor once a week and attend the SOBS(Survivors of bereavement by suicide) meeting once a month. Aside from that work, friends and family, blogging and reading keep me going. Of late I seem to enjoy short stories. I go out for a walk as often as possible, may be 4 times a week. I wouldn’t call it exercise by any measure. 🙂
Thank you. xxx
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http://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/depression-feeling-dead/
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