Day 210

As I continue to read more about the condition that is Severe Depression, I am astonished at how ignorant I have been so far. I thought I knew better because I have suffered from a milder form of it in the past but I don’t. In fact many sources say that it is incomprehensible to those who have not experienced it at its extreme.

Here are a few phrases used to describe it: excruciating near-paralysis; anarchic disconnections in the brain (causing confusion, forgetfulness and disturbed sleep cycle); failure of self-esteem; positive and active anguish; murky distractedness; painful empty nothingness; anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure); fits of anxiety; feeling of inescapable suffocation or drowning; feeling dead inside; incipient dread hidden in the dungeons of ones spirit, smothering misery and exhaustion; a wraithlike observer who not sharing the disease of his double, is able to watch with dispassionate curiosity as his companion struggles against the oncoming disaster, or decides to embrace it.

He struggled. In the beginning he had hope but then the darkness got worse. He admitted to feeling like he was ‘brain dead’. It was jarring to the ears. He religiously took his medicines and followed all medical advice, did not put himself in social situations that might aggravate his condition, kept a routine and ate well. He watched ‘Friends’ and ‘The Office’ a lot but hardly ever laughed, occasionally managing a smile.

Often I wonder how could I have not known that this could happen. It’s because it’s not supposed to.

It’s not in the script.

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