Day 240

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The present still stands still. I feel like a bell struck by an indifferent hammer whose blow leaves echoes ringing in the ears long after the strike, a big noise transforming itself into an elongated faint harmony. Deep inside I know the intensity of pain I feel now will pass in time but right now life seems filled with absence. Right now my heart is not willing to move forward but my legs move the rest of me. Whether the movement is aimless or purposeful, it is still movement, a gesture of faith that something still lies ahead.

One beautiful hour of walking through the countryside with a friend this afternoon woke up that part of me which has been unable or unwilling to move. It started off as the usual walk of a ghost through a sepia world but ended up as a celebration of life and all its gifts – friendship, colour and beauty. The walk became a demonstration of the power of persistence. I kept walking till my body had gently bathed my brain in the bio-chemicals that shield it from darkness. I did not have the energy to move fast but I pushed hard enough to make the clouds recede a bit. I had claimed back some control from the world.

This is what life is about right now: putting one foot in front of the other. I demand nothing more of myself. And nothing less.

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