My dearest Darling,

Today is the 16^th.

It is a Thursday. It’s 9 months.

You are in my heart as always.

I wonder if you can see and know how much love is here, for you and me.

I wonder how life would be if you were still here, for you and me.

I wonder how these 9 months have passed by.

I wonder how the rest of my days will be.

I am learning. I am living. I am struggling.

But I am not alone.

Acceptance refuses to come.

I believed that I could have anything if I worked hard enough for it. Now I know there is no truth in it.

You probably thought I would be better off without you.

Really? It’s not true.

I believed I was strong but now I know I was wrong.

I wish I could write something for you or do some magic which would bring you back to me.

But that is not to be.

I believed I was free.

Now I have no clue what that means.

I have no aspirations for freedom or any other ‘dom’.

I just want to be.

Be here.

Be love.

Be now.

Be the seer.

The witness.

Be with what is.

Just be.

I love you.

Mamma.