Day 416

A few days ago I shared one of my favourite pictures of Saagar on this blog but I couldn’t get myself to talk about it because I just couldn’t. I knew I would just start blabbering my heart out like I am about to.

That picture was taken during his last year at school, sometime in 2012. That was one of the few in which he had managed to keep a straight face probably because he had to as it was taken at his school.

What can I say?
That the light in his eyes is the light in my life.
That I remember how he got annoyed with me if I touched his hair.
That I loved the little dimple on his chin.
That I adored his lashes from day he was born till the day he died.
That he is beautiful.
(I would say that. Wouldn’t I? Completely unbiased!)
Each time I see his face my heart shatters into smithereens and at the same time I find the strength to stay solid.
That this picture is the wallpaper on my phone and I show it off to anyone who will see it.
I look at it when I want to know what the time is or when I need to use my phone for any other reason and often for no reason other than just to look at him.

That I am so proud to be his Mum.
That I love him. He is my superstar.
That he will always live though me.
Through my work and my way of being.

3 memorial services have been held in his memory since he left. All of them, reminders of the incredibly positive impact he has had on many people’s lives. In his 20 years he has touched more lives than many do in 80 years or more.

“You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he would want:
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

The two options are not mutually exclusive.
I live them both together in every moment.
I didn’t know that was possible but it is.