Day 467

Same house where we lived together.
Same local railway station that we used routinely and I still do.
The same one where he ended his life.
Still here.
Thought about moving away but couldn’t.
Am I stuck or is this normal?

When I wake up at 3 am for a drink of water, the only thought that crosses my mind is – I really didn’t look after him properly. I could have done more to help and understand him. A snippet from the rest of the time that I am awake.
Am I stuck or is this normal?

His school is designing a bench to install in his memory. When I ask his friends and our family for suggestions on the inscriptions that could be engraved on his bench a week ago, I hear nothing back.
Am I stuck or is this normal?

These people love him but they have their own priorities, lives and commitments. I am sure they also have their own way of experiencing and expressing their love. Am I being unreasonable? Is something wrong with me?
Am I stuck or is this normal?

Once again I am looking outside for things I already have. There are 2 memory books filled with messages of love. This blog is now more than 92000 words long. The words are there. I don’t need to look for them anywhere else.

Even though sometimes I feel like I am going mad, there is no need for labels – ‘normal’, ‘strong’, ‘stuck’, ‘mad’ or anything else.
It is bloody painful but it is what it is.

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