(Naughty…)

It started off with one thing and as the day went on it got stronger and stronger. By the end of the day it got unbearable and the dam broke.

When Saagar and I went shopping for groceries together, he wouldn’t let me touch the trolley. He wanted to be fully in charge of it. Sometimes, just to annoy him I would touch the edge of the trolley with the tip of my little finger and he would most predictably remind me to keep my hands off. It was our little game.

This morning Si and I went shopping together. I wheeled the trolley in and Si casually placed his hand on the edge of it. The memory hit me hard in the face. For a few seconds I completely lost my bearings. I wasn’t sure what to say or feel or do. I just walked around absently following Si and the shopping list.

The rest of the day the feeling of not knowing what to say or do stayed with me. As for feelings – I felt a deep, deep loss and totally lost. I also felt helpless and stuck. I couldn’t really have a proper conversation with anyone. I just listened and nodded and smiled. Everyone seemed to be at a completely different place from me. I felt like I had nothing in common with them. Luckily it was a day of walking in the countryside with close family so there were no particular demands on me. I could just be myself and observe my ‘stuff’.

Thereafter the breeze, the sun shining from behind the clouds, the kids running around and playing, the French signage at the restaurant…. everything painfully reminded me of him.

Finally when the live band of 3 young men started to play and the drums came on nice and loud, the dam broke.