And still, the first thoughts in the morning that rush into me to invade and occupy my conscious mind are those of Saagar. Like multiple grey moths stuck on the dark walls of my room, waiting. Then hurtling into my head the moment the light in there is turned on. Bringing in the darkness with them.
Everyday. Still. Sure as the morning, the sunrise. The thoughts. The moths. The darkness.
A mantra I created for myself, for distraction, salvation: “Thank you for this day. Thank you for Si, my family and friends. Thank you for Saagar.”
Often times it works.
Sometimes its impotent. Useless.
I need to find a way to get
out of bed without a dagger being struck in my throat even before I’ve opened
my eyes. I speak to some learned people and they tell me to make a slight
shift. They say that everyone comes into this world to experience X amount of
happiness and Y amount of sorrow. So, when I think of Saagar, I should think not
just of the suffering but also the love and joy in his life. I shall do this
tomorrow morning. The moment my sleep is over. I will.
Tonight I share this link with you. It is the link to the promotional pages for the short film I mentioned the last time. It will be called “1000 days”. It hopes to cause a tiny shift in those who might watch it. Collectively, they all might bring about multiple small shifts towards greater connectedness in our world. The aims of the film are to: 1. Educate people that many suicides are preventable. 2. Empower everyone to ask for and offer help, hope and understanding. 3. Enable all of us to feel less alone.
10 weeks back I was surprised to find an all-day course in ‘Mindful Self-Compassion’ for Health Professionals advertised on the Trust intranet. It sounded great and it was for free. Wow! We are recognising the pressures on health care professionals and moving slowly but surely in the right direction. To organise a course like this and make it available to all staff at no cost is nothing less than super-fantastic.
I enrolled instantly and waited patiently for the day to arrive. The day arrived. I entered the room to find all these items scattered neatly around the room: a bowl of smooth tactile pebbles in purple, maroon, white and yellow, little bottles of lavender and vanilla extracts, fantastical eye-catching postcards, maracas and manjiras, a white rosary in a tiny wooden box, sketch pads with charcoal tree sticks, a bunch of sea shells, sprigs of fresh rosemary and mint, a dried corn on the cob, a few white and brown feathers, a spongy red ball and a spiky yellow plastic one, a tiny hand-crank music box and an hour-glass with pink sand. These things were for us to appreciate, touch, feel, smell and listen to.
Two gentle young women led the day taking great care of
everyone in the room and in complete harmony with each other. We started with a
‘soft landing’ – becoming aware of our feet on the floor, bum on chair, our
breath and our finger tips. They called these short snatches of peace, the ‘green
moments’. We were encouraged to create/access these green moments to transition
from seeing one patient to the next or from work to home mode and vice versa.
The word ‘discernment’ was brought into my awareness. While the
dictionary meaning of it is “the ability
to judge well”, we were encouraged to scan our thoughts and ‘notice what’s not
helpful’. It was a useful concept. It helped me locate stuff that was
unnecessarily cluttering up my mind and blocking light from entering this
I remembered that as a teenager I had a big scrap book filled with my collection of feathers of all kinds, my favourite being the peacock feather. Where did that dreamy girl with 2 pig-tails go?
For a while I could hold the little girl in me lovingly in my arms and marvel at her innocence and beauty, appreciate her child-like sense of wonder and creativity. This sweet girl is me. Perfect and complete in every way. All she needed was to be seen. By me.
From the window of an inbound aeroplane, they look like moving
lines changing texture every second. Demarcating hedges, rail tracks, rivers
and roads run around in graceful undulating curves. These lines pass between patches
of all forty shades of green. And some dry brown ones and watery blue ones. A
silver set of solar panels glitters like a massive diamond. Imperfect squares
and rectangles are juxtaposed like patches on an applique quilt. Thickets in
rough triangular shapes fit neatly into corners. Multitudes to houses sit
snugly like school kids in tidy rows. Each house, home to multitudes of
The City is poised at the start line. London, in a state of
fresh awareness. The sun is shining. Commuters are rumbling, making their way
to the nearest train station, bus-stop, car or bike. Multi-coloured bicycles
and black motorcyclists wriggle about in clusters. The air is cool. The smoke is
gathering. It hasn’t formed a blanket yet. A hum in the background holds at a
fixed, non-descript pitch. Jarring sirens of police and ambulances intercept at
regular intervals. The stirrings of people, shaking the City. Millions of
people in organised chaos, moving over and under the ground.
I draw the curtains aside, to a dream morning for a bike ride. Gentle breeze and soft sun. I glug the smoothie I prepared last night. Pull on my cycling gear. My body wanting to jump on to the bike this second. Put my stuff into the pannier bag that I should have bought ages ago. Remember to wear my helmet before the gloves. Remember to lock the house. Switch on the lights on the bike. Put on my yellow high-vis jacket. Say a silent prayer. And take off. Gear up. 1-1. 1-2. 1-3. 2-3. 2-6. 3-3 … The down-slope after the first right turn brings the morning air face to face with me and I am flying. Levitating. Floating blissfully to work. Lost in the rhythm of my breath going in and out. Feeling my legs going round and round in meditative circles. All my senses awakened. In this second, I am free. And so lucky to be alive!
One morning, despite severe inertia and amplified gravity, I carried my body through treacle to a yoga lesson nearby. Once I got there, the music, the incense, the light, the chanting, the breathing and the presence of other people lightened me up and I got into the groove.
I became the rhythm of my breath and the simultaneous harmonious
dance of the body with the breath. Each posture pushed me just a little bit outside
my comfort zone and the energy started to shift and flow. Before I knew it one
hour was up. As we were finishing off the session with a short meditation,
Felix, the teacher said “Dedicate your practice to someone you love.”
In that moment, tears sprung out in rivers. Out of nowhere,
all on their own accord, they flooded me. I lay in the corpse pose (shavasana) and the warmth of my tears
continued to soak the hair at both my temples.
Just then a set of 4 light soft paws, one by one stepped on to my tummy. I am familiar with the weight and size of such paws due to our feline, Milkshake’s nightly visits. Instantly, I broke into a smile. I lifted my head and opened one eye. A black cat that had been lazing on a sofa previously had made itself comfortable on top of me, rolled up into a ball. The fuzzy warmth of that circle travelled all the way to my heart. I sat up and cuddled it, stroked it and thanked it for reaching out to me. It was gracious enough to let me. Love was boomeranging.
Nearly 5 years on, we gather again. This time it’s a 25th birthday party. Many in the room are in their mid-twenties. It’s their party. It’s everyone’s. There’s an open mike. Young voices. A few songs are special – Dolly Partons’ ‘Jolene’, Timberlake’s ‘Cry me a river’. By divine conspiracy, there is this song from the CD Saagar got me one Christmas – Corinne Bailey Rae’s ‘Girl put your record on’. I sing along nice and loud, word for word, like I used to, a long time back! It’s our music, biryani and laughter. A strong sense of belonging binds the room together. Sadness and joy are everywhere, stuck together like conjoint twins.
When I supposedly had ‘everything’, I didn’t know how to
access true joy. Now that I don’t have ‘everything’, I do. Even if it happens
for tiny snippets of time, it happens in its fullness. It’s like being immersed
in a singing warm ocean of bliss. The brickwork of resistance drops off. Everything
is in harmony with my cosmos. Everything that steps in the way melts away. I am
complete with everything just the way it is. This enticing path of joy meanders
through a dark forest of grief. I carry the forest with me. And its black
shadows. And all its wild animals that threaten to kill. We celebrate. We sing,
laugh and we dance. We hug and cry and eat and drink as one. We are held in the
warm embrace of a field of love that nourishes our souls.
Frantically searching for an important document, I rummaged through all my papers up and down the Study. My mind can’t be trusted with anything anymore! My memory is shot. I exhausted myself and all my options. Over a cup of tea, I thought about all the places I had not looked through. A box full of Saagar’s books and diaries. I never read through any of his personal stuff. But that day, before I knew it, I had read all his musings from his travels to Uganda with a friend. They were there for 2 weeks to help at a local school supported by their College.
It seems when he was struggling, he wrote. Like me. He wrote exactly as he spoke, leaving some words half said and stretching out the first letter of unspeakable words. His diary was reading itself to me in his voice. I felt like he was in the room. I was an intruder. It wasn’t my place to read it. It was personal to him. But it was also my conduit to him even if it was written 27 months prior to Day 0.
It was clear that the boys
were totally unprepared for the massive change. This is the note from his last
30/7/2012. 2300 hrs.
“Never before have I been able to say the words “I want my mommy!” with as much certainty as now. This sucks ass. I feel like such a pathetic little shit. I hope missing Mother is no more than a manifestation of homesickness.”
A deep feeling. Then a judgement. Then an admonishment and then a substitution. A minimization. A classic example of a young man being brutally unkind to himself even though he is suffering. Being a ‘man’. Not allowing for any fragility even in the face of a harsh reality.
Fact: He missed me. Thinking of me brought him comfort. I have evidence.
How could I ever doubt that? By judging myself too critically. Why do we do this to ourselves?
That was a beautiful gift from you to me on your birthday my son. 25th birthday! Bless you my love.
Carrie Fisher: Date of death 27th Dec 2016.
Her mother, Debbie Renolds’ date of death: 28th Dec 2016
Emiliano Sala: Plane Crash – 21st Jan 2019
(Death confirmed 13 days later).
His father, Horatio Sala’s date of death – 26th April 2019
Both these parents died of natural causes. Horatio Sala was only 58. For days after the crash, he was not sure what was happening. “Hours go by and I know nothing. It makes me think the worst. I know nothing. Nobody has spoken to me. Not a call from the Embassy, the club, from anyone.”
I cannot imagine how stressful that must be. After the ‘worst’ was confirmed, the investigation was a protracted one. Horatio’s angst is palpable on the video clips. The grief and anger of it must have caused a sustained and prolonged release of adrenaline which greatly raised his pulse and blood pressure, making his heart work harder, making his blood sticky and ruining his immune system. Research also shows that in the first 30 days after a loved one dies, your risk of dying too is significantly increased. There are many stories validating this finding.
More than a month after the crash a BBC report said, “Some operational aspects are yet to be determined, such as the validity of the pilot’s licence and ratings.” What must that do to a parent! “Air accident investigators will continue to look at all operational, technical, organisational and human factors which might have contributed to the crash.”
They will continue to look I am sure but for the bereaved families, there is no resolution till the investigation is complete. They don’t feel settled until then. They are haunted by unanswered questions. The big and noisy fight inside overshadows everything else. There is no sign of ‘peace’ for at least a thousand mile radius. A prompt, fair and proper investigation is essential for them to start grieving properly. Losing a child is bad enough. A parent should not then have to fight for facts and justice.
Sadly, even the medical profession does not understand sudden traumatic grief. Often the investigations are a sham, take forever and produce vague statements like the ones above. I know many parents whose suffering is insulted and prolonged for this reason. This must change. It breaks my heart and many others.
PS: Very sorry for the pilot, Mr Ibbotson’s death. The system failed him too. If he did not have an appropriate licence, the system did not stop him from flying.