I have felt safe outside lakes, rivers and oceans as opposed to inside. Shoes and woolly socks keeping the feet warm and dry, a scarf wrapped around the neck, jeans and jackets keeping me secure. These water bodies are a source of calm but I am suspicious of their invisible currents, innocent iciness and deceptive cleanliness.

Ten days ago, we drove to a little self-catering rental cottage at Constantine Bay in Cornwall, 100 yards from the beach. After a quick cup of tea we took a walk on the windy sea-face, almost swept off our feet. Its playfulness hit my face like multiple mini-darts. It must have hit some obscure part of my brain that suddenly came to believe that it would be a great idea to have a soak in the sea. This was strange given I can’t swim. I splash my arms and legs enthusiastically without staying afloat or traveling any distance. My breath gets all confused and erratic. I choke and splutter and cough. I am clearly a creature of the air. Not water. But this had to be done.

The next day, high tide was at 1834. We took our wedding rings off and left them at home as they are known to slip off in cold water. The  winds were low. Air temperature 10 degrees Celsius. Water temperature same. Sun, in and out. No rain. We changed into our improvised swimsuits, got our towels and walked to a quiet lagoon at one end of the bay that we had spotted the day before. A steep set of steps led down to it. At the bottom, sloping slate-grey rocks lay dry. Welcoming. The force of the waves was dampened by an intervening row of irregular black rocks, making the water as still as possible, lapping gently to the beat of the sea. The salty air resting on my lips and in my chest. My heart preparing to be stopped.

With my eyes focused on the sharp horizontal line between the blues of the sea and the sky, I walked straight into the Atlantic. I wanted to be neck deep in an instant and I was. An involuntary squeal escaped my throat. Coming to myself I breathed slowly with my eyes wide open. Counting. Smiling. Shaking. Completely inside that stark moment. Everything else dissolved. All of me was covered in acupuncture needles. Every swish of the waters stole some more heat away, deepening those needles infusing energy. The shock of it. And the delight of being alive. Woohooo!

40 seconds… once… and again. Then 2 minutes and then longer… and longer every day.

(Ref: TIPP Skills to modulate emotions: https://www.manhattancbt.com/archives/1452/dbt-tipp-skills/)