Memories

Stories of Saagar and others like him

The perils of being DIFFERENT.

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This is the month of his birth. I have not forgotten the 6th of May.

The questions still sneak in on stormy nights and on special days, especially the supposedly ‘happy’ ones. Yes. Blessed is the day he was born. Aren’t I lucky?

All the questions that I can ignore and shove out the window on other days of the year come back and stand firmly in front of me on his birthday.

What would he be doing at 32?

What would he make of the state of this world?

Would he still be playing the drums?

What would he look like?

Would he have a girlfriend? Would he be engaged? Married?

Kids?

What music would he be listening to?

Job?

Health?

Cricket?

Friends?

Where would he have chosen to live?

Blah. Blah. Bloody blah!

Pointless noise.

What if he wasn’t bullied at school for being different? That’s a biggy!

What if his class teacher had listened to me when I told her about it?

What if his small, protestant, primary school in Dundonald, Northern Ireland had acknowledged the issue?

What if they had taken appropriate action?

What if I had moved him to another school there and then?

“Adam is always on my side when the other kids bother me.” He said one Sunday morning, at the age of 6. We were having a lazy morning in bed.

“Do the other kids bother you a lot?”

Silence.

“What do they say?”

“You worship a God with an elephant head!”

Sometimes, I am grateful that he doesn’t have to deal with this hateful world of genocides and mad wars.

Hope the world you’re in is a peaceful one, my love. Happy Birthday Saagar.

Friends.

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(Mornings at home, in Sakleshpur)

For the last couple of days, I was in Bangalore, the tech-capital of India. From the railway station, I took the metro to my friend’s house. The stations were spotless and the staff helpful. I was surprised to find a seat in the ladies-compartment, at that evening rush hour. I was a village woman in a big city, curious to see how this place works.

At every stop, a few women came in and sat down quietly, making no eye contact with anyone, not saying anything or smiling. Most eyes and ears, firmly plugged into a device. It seemed like I was the only one enjoying the tree-tops in full bloom as we glided through this urban sprawl. I wonder, if there were no windows in the carriage, would anyone have noticed? Inside that dense silence, everyone was busy. It reminded me of my daily commute in London.

I don’t remember trains in India ever being so quiet. Is this the ‘progress’ we are so proud of?

In the middle of the carriage, two friends, who I guess were young mothers, stood, speaking to each other in Kannada. If I strained my ears, the fragile new neural tracks in my brain caught a few words and phrases here and there. But mostly, I enjoyed their soft, yet animated exchanges, colorful saris, traditional earrings and jasmine strings pinned into their long black hair. Their silver toe-rings beautified their very practical footwear. I was happy to witness the faint echoes of an ancient civilization.

I reached my destination and started walking toward the exit with my small trolley bag. At the top of the staircase, the young man walking ahead of me came to a sudden halt. His head was encased in a set of huge black headphones. I set my bag down, waiting for him to move forward. Like an automaton, his big head rotated through 180 degrees very slowly, waking up to the fact that he was surrounded by hundreds of people carrying hundreds of colorful pieces of luggage. After what seemed like an age, he picked up his suitcase and started walking again, as if in a daze.

I write this, as I sit by a window on the train back home, reminiscing my little urban escapade, riding through the green and serene countryside, happy to be reunited with my friends, the trees.

Wonder if they ever count how many trees are killed in a war.

“The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others, only a green thing which stands in the way… As a man is, so he sees.”

– William Blake

Rreeeeee

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You must not call your husband by his name. Never. It is disrespectful.

(He is your master after all.)

Sunte ho? (Are you listening, In Hindi.)

Sonu ke Papa? (Sonu’s father)

E’ ji. (Here, Sir)

Rreeeeee (Something to the same effect, in Kannada)

These are examples of substitute names by which a wife may address her husband bypassing speaking his name.

Minoo was nineteen when she married someone, she had met only once. The handsome man in the photograph that she was allowed to gaze at, was now her husband. Meeting before marriage was not allowed. It was not considered necessary. In 1964, some thought it positively immoral.

Once married, she went to live in the house of her in-laws. The same rule applied. Except here, it was the law. She was prohibited from uttering his name. That was a problem.

She could have shortened Purushottam to Uttam, but his friends had already done that. So, that abridged name was taken by his equals. She had to find another way.

She had always liked the sound of the word, Sameer, which meant, sea-breeze.

“Can I call you Sameer? It’s not your name but will surely make life easy.” She asked him.

“Sure. I don’t mind.” said he.

That was that. Her mother-in-law could not object as Minoo called out to her husband by a strange new name that she had not heard before. Problem solved.

Over the years, Minoo became proficient at finding inventive solutions to many unforeseen problems, be it lengthening my frock or fixing a half-baked cake when the electricity went off partway through. She is my mother and although my father died three and a half years ago, she still thinks of him and loves him as her Sameer.

End of an era.

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Last night, sleep would not come. As I lay breathing in bed, with my eyes closed, a huge wave of thoughts flooded in, unfurling a surge of all kinds of feelings. Pride. Sadness. Joy. Nostalgia. Everything in between. I tried to focus on listening to the chirping crickets and the silence in between those sounds, the ruffle of the dogs, the incessant mosquito, the rustle of the leaves, Si’s breathing. I tried to recede into the stillness behind these thoughts and invite sleep in that way but that proved to be pointless. It did not want to come. Not yet. The jostling with thoughts went on for a while. It felt natural. It carried on non-stop for about three hours. Luckily, it did not turn into a flight and saved me a lot of energy. I let the body rest despite the mental acrobatics. Even though my heart was drumming in my ears, I lay still. Quiet.

This is possibly what they mean when they say about our final moments – ‘your whole life flashes past your eyes.’ It was not unpleasant. It was natural for it to happen, even though it was an utterly non-consequential happening. It was in anticipation of a big change.

Today, the sale of our UK home was completed. It was ours for twenty years.

No more dinner parties, parcel deliveries, Council tax, gas and electricity bills. No more local library, pub, cafe or cinema. No more knocks on the door by our friends, cleaner or neighbour. No more fire-engine sirens from the fire brigade down the road. No more parking in front of the blue door. No more waiting for Bus numbers 196 and 468.

No more heartache while walking past the GP surgery or the Train station.

The end of an era.

Another letting go.

Another lightness.

Another simplification.

Another freedom.

The day is the day.

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(Credit:: Saagar Naresh. Age 12. Art Homework.)

It’s an ordinary day that starts as the sun peeps from somewhere behind the horizon and ends as it vanishes somewhere behind another at different times for different people on the globe scattered all over these continents everywhere. It is not a singular day as it claims to be.

It’s not my enemy and yet it circles around each year as a reminder of what happened as if I need reminding. It’s not my enemy even though it feels like one. It’s just another day, innocent and ignorant, asking me to sit down. Have another cup of tea.

It was nameless and inconspicuous until it arrived hiding a deep darkness within its light wearing the face of a sacred place and a robe of expansion and growth and holding a promise of transformation before I knew what that meant, unlocking the path to an invisible destination.

This endless path covered in thorns and nettles with no alternative or detour must be trodden with bare feet. It is essential they bleed.

To my desperate open eyes the destination remains invisible. When I let them close I glean a faint ray of hope.