Community

Loneliness and belongingness

Surrender is not defeat.

Posted by

0

(Photo credit: Sangeeta Mahajan. Exeter)

“I am trying so hard. What more can I do?”

Our unmet expectations, people’s insensitivities and our own regrets and strife are recurring themes in our discussions within the Circle of Remembrance, a peer support group for parents bereaved by suicide.

Caught up in coping with our life and getting rid of a negative sense of self or tolerating something someone said or did or didn’t, our focus on ourselves does not fade.

What if we stop the war on ourselves?

Stop all effort of fixing, doing, striving. Take a pause.

Buddha’s greatest disciple was Ananda. Until Buddha’s death Ananda was deeply devoted to him. After his death when the great council of the Enlightened was called, Ananda was not invited. Despite all his hard work, he had not reached Enlightenment. So, that evening he sat down to meditate, determined to attain full enlightenment. He practiced vigorously all night. After many hours he was exhausted. No progress! He was discouraged. Towards dawn, he decided to let go of the striving and just lie down and rest. The moment his head touched the pillow, he was enlightened.

What made it happen? Simply resting in presence.

Waking up out of his thoughts and opening his heart.

He had prepared the ground for awakening through many years of practice.

Surrendering all the ‘doing’.

Relaxing back into awareness that was already there, he realized freedom.

A sacred pause. Letting go of ego and ceasing all effort.

We may not be able to ‘will’ surrendering but our inner wisdom knows that the pathway is surrender.

Our mind can be quiet and present. Our heart can be willing and prayerful.

But awareness does the work.

In the light and tenderness of Awareness, thoughts dissolve, bodily resistance softens, fears and grasping unwind.

Awareness illuminates its own presence – the truth of who we are.

It is not ‘I’ who does the surrendering, rather the tangles of the sense of self naturally release in the light of open, tender, non-doing presence.

The answer to ‘what more can we do’ may be, rest back in what is.

(Inspired by Tara Brach teachings.)

Behind our closed eyes.

Posted by

0

“I am no longer being woken up by zombies coming to get me, in an apocalyptic world. My sleep is better.”

‘What do you see now?’

“Some unsettling incongruous domestic situations but nothing terrible. Nothing that kicks me out of my sleep.”

This indicated to me that my client’s level of threat-perception was lessening. I don’t know much about dream interpretation, so I do not attempt to go deep into that, but I know that they can release energy and reveal messages from the subconscious, inside the safety of sleep. They can erase unnecessary emotional files stored in the primitive brain and prioritize what is relevant and important.

A friend dreamt of working with elephants in a forest repeatedly. This seemed completely random to her. She sold solar panels for a living and had been planning on taking a sabbatical, which commenced 3 months into these recurrent dreams. She booked a one-way ticket to Thailand and the day after she arrived, she found out that a new orphanage for elephants had opened that very day in her neighbourhood. What are the chances? Of course, she volunteered there for months and loved it.

As per Ayurveda, there are seven types of dreams:

  1. those based on what was seen
  2. heard
  3. reflected upon
  4. desired
  5. imagined
  6. those foretelling something and
  7. those caused by illnesses or possibly predict specific illnesses

They intrigue me as they are communications from a deeper self that has access to everything that we cannot consciously know. Psychologists have dwelt upon them for centuries. The basic idea behind Jungian dream theory is that dreams reveal more than they conceal. Jung did not believe that dreams need to be interpreted for them to perform their function. They operate as safety valves for the psyche. They are worthy of attention as they are an important source of information about vanished people, places and experiences in our lives.

Freud called them, via regia, the royal road to the unconscious, but a strong force within us strains to conceal our dream messages from us in ingenious ways such as obscure symbols and the ethereal nature of dreams by which most of them, we forget. It’s a good idea to write them down while we still remember them. Another good reason to get a new notebook 😉

As I venture into the world of Hypnotherapy, I find a deeper learning, connection and understanding of the inner worlds of others and myself.

Resource: Benefits of keeping a dream journal

Out of office reply.

Posted by

0

Who we are doesn’t always show up in the way we do things. Something holds us back from bringing our unique gifts to the world. In my case it has been the fear of being judged as too soft, too loopy. We end up being like (read ‘as boring as’) everyone else. May be they are terrorised by other’s judgements too. Best to stick to the narrow and straight.

Yesterday, the e-mail below bounced into my inbox, all purple and pink in Comic Sans MS. It was such a refreshing change from the bland factual one-line out-of-office replies, that I had to share it here. He spoke the same language as me and so unreservedly. Being himself fully.

The mission statement of the Co-production collective he leads is : “Our vision is a world where diverse knowledge and experience are recognised and valued in the co-production of research, services, and policy development.”

Indeed, changing the world, one connection at a time. Not losing a single opportunity to connect. Not even an e-mail from a stranger.

💛 Hello lovely,

Thank you so much for your email.

I’m really grateful you’ve taken the time to get in touch.

If you’ve emailed me, it’s probably because something matters to you. Please know that it matters to me too.

I just wanted to let you know that I may take a little while to reply.

I live with a number of long-term health conditions, so I’ve learnt that I need to be intentional about how I use my time and energy. Some days I’m happily working away with a cuppa by my side. Other days, my laptop stays closed while I take the time I need to rest, recover and simply be.

That hasn’t always been easy.

For a long time, I thought I had to keep pushing, always be available and put everyone else first. I’m slowly learning that rest isn’t something we have to earn. Looking after ourselves isn’t selfish. It’s what helps us keep showing up for the people and things we love.

📧 I aim to reply to emails within three working days, although occasionally it may take a little longer if my health needs to come first.

🚨 If your enquiry is genuinely urgent, or you’ve not heard from me after a few days, please contact my wonderful PA at pa.isaacsociety@gmail.com, who’ll be happy to help or make sure anything important reaches me.

🌿 Before you go, here’s a few gentle reminders, for both of us.

🤍 You don’t have to earn your rest.

🌱 Healing doesn’t always mean doing more. Sometimes healing looks like slowing down.

💚 Your worth has never been measured by how busy you are, how many emails you answer or how much you achieve. You matter simply because you’re you.

⚖️ A kinder world starts with how we treat each other, but it also starts with how gently we treat ourselves.

☕ So, if you can, put the kettle on. Step outside for a few minutes. Listen to the birds. Hug someone you love. Cuddle a pet. Sit in the sunshine. Read a few pages of a good book. Have the nap. The emails will still be here when you get back.

If today feels heavy, I hope you know you don’t have to carry it on your own. Reach out to someone you trust. Speak to a friend, a family member or someone who can be there with you.

If you’re in the UK or Ireland and you’re in emotional distress or crisis, you can contact Samaritans any time, day or night, by calling 116 123 or emailing jo@samaritans.org. You don’t have to be suicidal to get in touch. Sometimes we all need someone to listen.

Thank you for your patience, your understanding and your grace. It means more than you know.

Take gentle care of yourself.

With love,

Isaac Samuels OBE
Social Change Leader
Changing the world, one connection at a time.

💚 “Be gentle with yourself. The same compassion you so freely give to others is something you deserve too.”

I have aged sixty years.

Posted by

0

I have aged sixty years.

And become the notebook lady.

The orange moleskin is the Core notebook that goes everywhere with me. Its orange strings mark the current pages. Our most recent meetings were numbered 112/146 (Wed/Sat). In all, we’ve met 258 times. Can you believe it?

The bright yellow A4 Ryman ruled book is for Morning pages. Recently I found a receipt in German for 2 coffees and croissants from Frankfurt airport from mid-July this year.

The pliable green Matthew Williamson one with peacock feathers printed on it houses my poetry collection. It has no strings, but a dried maple leaf lives in there, being Autumn, absorbing poems.

The hard-bound thick one with zig-zag pastel shapes on it contains my Solution-focussed Brief therapy notes. I bought it from a Tibetan monk at Namdroling Tibetan monastery near us. A postcard with the picture of a smiling Dalai Lama reminds me to smile and stay warm-hearted. His Holiness addressed the youth recently and said that being warm-hearted is as important as education, if not more.

The green and blue one notes the developments on our farm. It begins with tree-planting plans and recently I have started jotting down some ideas for the interiors of our house at the back of the book. A thin plastic ruler marks the page presently relevant.

The old brown one assembles notes on writing in the first half and old song lyrics at the back. This morning I found a white, brown and blue feather tucked into it. It comes from a previous life in which I once went for a walk in Dulwich park with my son. A feather sparkled at us both, lying on the edge of the lake. One of the ducks must’ve dropped it. I must’ve picked it up and brought it home.

That was a good life. He was there.

This is a good life. He is here.

I have aged sixty years.

My notebooks are my joy and my treasure. Even though they make my suitcase very heavy, they go travelling with me.. I am learning to enjoy what I enjoy and share what I learn.

Enjoy what you enjoy and share what you learn.

Times six.

Posted by

0

Two summers ago, on a dry Saturday morning in London, Si and I set out for a walk. We headed to our local park, Streatham Common. As we took a turn into the Rookery, we noticed a young man sitting on the third step of the wide, well-trodden staircase descending towards the South-East. He held his bent head in both his hands.

An invitation.

I took a deep breath, softly stepped up to him with a ‘Hi. Good morning.’ He slowly raised his head and mirrored back my faint smile. None of our smiles reached our eyes. They were not real yet, only polite.

We got talking and forgot about the walking. Miles was in his late thirties, a father of two. He had been unable to work for a few months because of disabling symptoms that suggested something like Chronic Fatigue/ ME/ Long Covid. Of late his stress levels had rocketed as his employer had started suggesting ‘malingering’ in his letters. Even though his GP understood and validated his medical condition, his employer showed no understanding.

We gathered for coffee in the park on two more occasions that year. We enjoyed our chats, kept in touch and met up regularly even though not frequently. This year, he tells us he has been dismissed from his job after a “fair process” for “gross misconduct” for being physically and mentally unable to work. Gross misconduct includes physical violence, theft and fraud, intoxicated while at work and similar serious offences.

A study at King’s College London looked at the causes of death in 2000 patients with CFS/ME conducted over the years, 2007-2013. A total of 17 patients died in that period – eight died from cancer, five from suicide, and four from other causes. When compared to the general population, less than one suicide would be expected in a study population of this size. Yet five deaths by suicide were recorded. This means that, after controlling for age and other factors, the rate of deaths by suicide in this study was approximately six times higher in people with CFS than in the general population.

The reasons for this vulnerability are – poor quality of life with no hope for relief, loss of employment, finances, and/or relationships, chronic pain, secondary depression, and other associated mental and/or physical illnesses.

Miles felt he was losing his sense of self as a capable human being with integrity. People didn’t always believe or understand him. Maybe he is what they called him, a malingerer. This is hard on his family, but they support him all they can. The kids are delightful. He still has good days and bad, still has serious brain fog he cannot work through sometimes, still can’t do much but he tries his best. He carries a lot of shame for this thing that happened to him. He feels trapped.

No tests can prove his diagnosis. No definitive treatment is available yet.

Resource: Action for ME: https://www.actionforme.org.uk/