wonder

Candy?

Posted by

0

‘How can I trust you?’ says Neo.

“It is a pickle. No doubt about it. (Pause) Candy?”

‘You already know if I’m going to take it?’

“Wouldn’t be an oracle if I didn’t.”

‘But if you already know, how can I make a choice?’

“Because you didn’t come here to make the choice. You’ve already made it. You’re here to try to understand why you made it.”

The longer I live, the more I remove all that is unnecessary, the more I see why I might have, knowingly or unknowingly made the choice to be here in the first place.

To be enthralled by the mysteries of life and death and the awesome ways in which our numerous programs, some within multiple others, work or don’t. To be in wonderment.

To see each day as the unveiling of yet another secret – the toothless smile of a four-week-old infant in response to me looking at him and speaking nonsense words with love in my eyes.

To experience each moment on this exceptionally spectacular planet, as a miracle not owed to me.

To appreciate the unfathomable source of the mathematical intelligence of golden ratios held within the ordinariness of a pine-cone, a pineapple and the head of a sunflower.

To listen with fascination using not just my ears but all my being.

To allow spontaneous, effortless, un-self-conscious expressions to flow.

To be surprised and amazed by the everydayness of extra-ordinary pieces of writing and music.

To be touched by simple kindnesses. To celebrate love and joy.

To be enthralled by rivers, skies, clouds and mountains.

To notice each of these gifts and marvel at them.

I wish you and me, a Wondrous New Year!

Please share your moments of wonder in the comments as often as you like. I have started noting them down in my calendar:

1st Jan 2025: My hands finished a new Mandala on the wall of a restaurant in Patnem (Goa) – completely unplanned.

2nd Jan 2025: My train from Goa to Sakleshpur arrived in time! I had to change my seat four times, but I had a fantastic journey. The train was delayed only by half an hour. A young man seated next to me on the train asked me if I was a writer. “Do I look like one?” I asked. He said, yes. “Is that a complement?” I asked. He said, yes. Made my day.

3rd Jan 2025: Wonder where the inspiration for this blog-post came from.

Day 900

Posted by

1

Nine hundred days! 

I didn’t think I would make it this far. I vaguely remember Day 100 in Pondicherry. That seemed like ages already. This is unbelievable. I couldn’t fathom how I carried on at that time. I still can’t. So many days have passed without him. I still hold on. Not one moment has passed without him. I still mourn. 

Making each day count, working through the pain, celebrating the good times. Excavating words to express feelings that can’t be spoken out loud. Dissecting through ‘stuff’ with fine forceps, making sure nothing is damaged. Connecting. Realising that the colour of blood is the same for all humans everywhere. Hunger feels the same for all. Bones are a shade of white for everyone everywhere. Shame, courage and love are experienced in the same way in Lebanon and Syria as in London and New York. The pain of loosing a child is universal too. Indescribable, potentially unsurvivable. Yet, so many of us survive. 

I wonder if he’s counting days too. Does this mean anything to him? I wonder what he would be like at 23. His birthday is coming up soon. I wonder how we would have celebrated it. I wonder how time will mould itself and me as time goes by. I wonder if any of the lessons that need to be learnt from Saagar’s story will ever be properly learnt and implemented. I wonder when my silent inner screaming and constant frantic searching will stop. I wonder if he has an exact duplicate, who will bump into me one day and things will seemlessly go back to being how they were. I wonder how long his friends will want to stay in touch with me and talk about him. I wonder.

Nine hundred days. Unbelievable.