Day 27

How are you?

I am asked this question many times every day. I have no idea. I think I am ok. As ok as can be I suppose. When I sit down with my eyes closed I feel a heavy, dull, ache in the centre of my chest. I sit with it and try to look at what colour it is. I think it is black. I sit and observe it for a while. I have had it for the last few months. Earlier on it was the pain of his suffering that I felt but now it is mine. Earlier on I cried a lot for him but now I cry for me. I miss his smile and his funny faces. His loud unmissable laughter when he watched funny clips on youtube. The way he made fun of my accent and my  pronunciation of some words. The way he sat at the dining table, just drumming his thighs with his fingers, completely lost in the beats.

Is this grief? Loss? Pathos?  I don’t know. I have never felt like this before. I have no words for it.

My friends say – you are so brave. I don’t feel that way at all. I am just going with the flow. Doing only what I have to and nothing else and yet getting exhausted by the middle of the afternoon.

The only break from it all is when I sleep. Good night.

2 thoughts on “Day 27

  1. After long deliberation I have finally decided I would like to read your blog and realised what an important day today is! you are in my thoughts and my prayers – though sometimes I doubt the justice of the powers above!
    I hope your stay with your family will help ease the pain. I don’t know how one would cope with such tragedy, however, I see you as a wonderful, beautiful and intelligent human being and I hope you’ll find a way to live alongside it. He has left so many memories and moments of affection and laughter that equally brings happiness to anyone who knew him and thinks of him.
    When you come back to London please come and see us. I would like to call Flora as well and try a vegetarian dish on both of you! Look after yourself and call me if I can be of any help at any time.
    Faranak x


    • Dear Fara,
      Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate you taking the time and courage to read it. It is good to be home with my folks but the process is slow and painful. Everything just seems like a meaningless distraction from it. I have had a few good days though and I am grateful for them. I am also thankful for friends like you, who love him and cherish his memories.
      Give my love to Ian, Hannah, Rebecca and Flora. I should be back in January for a few days but no fixed plans yet.
      Lots of love,


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s