How are you?
I am asked this question many times every day. I have no idea. I think I am ok. As ok as can be I suppose. When I sit down with my eyes closed I feel a heavy, dull, ache in the centre of my chest. I sit with it and try to look at what colour it is. I think it is black. I sit and observe it for a while. I have had it for the last few months. Earlier on it was the pain of his suffering that I felt but now it is mine. Earlier on I cried a lot for him but now I cry for me. I miss his smile and his funny faces. His loud unmissable laughter when he watched funny clips on youtube. The way he made fun of my accent and my pronunciation of some words. The way he sat at the dining table, just drumming his thighs with his fingers, completely lost in the beats.
Is this grief? Loss? Pathos? I don’t know. I have never felt like this before. I have no words for it.
My friends say – you are so brave. I don’t feel that way at all. I am just going with the flow. Doing only what I have to and nothing else and yet getting exhausted by the middle of the afternoon.
The only break from it all is when I sleep. Good night.