He was my son. I am his mother.

Who am I? I am so attached to this part of my identity that I am unable to let go of it. It is the most beautiful, the most satisfying, the most joyful part of my experience of life. 20 years, 5 months and 10 days – the most cherished years, months and days of my life. It is the end of an era for me. Now, despite it being extremely painful, I am grateful for having had that time with him.

It is said that it is all an illusion – Maya! Yet, it is so easy to get caught up in it.

I was not suited to be his main carer because I only saw the positive signs – his occasional smile, his interest in food, his text message saying ‘feeling a little low like always but nothing too bad’, his daily trips to the gym and his sharing of conversations with friends. I knew he was suffering but I thought he was coping so well. I am sure he was trying to protect me and not being completely honest about his darkest thoughts with me.

It feels like one wheel has disappeared from the bicycle I was happily riding. There is no replacement and yet I have to go on riding that bike somehow.

Thank you for allowing me to be his Mom for a little while everyday.