Day 39

This evening I accidentally came across a note in my journal from exactly 2 months ago – 26th of September.

In a nutshell it said – ” Back to basics – family, love and gratitude; Becoming – not just doing; Healing, resting, taking stock, clearing up and blessing; Forgiving; Living and being happy; Having faith and not doubting; Smiling, growing and celebrating!”

It is as true for me today as it was then, even though everything around me has changed. It sounds terribly aspirational to me now but at some level it is already happening. It feels as though I am caught between seemingly opposite positions – I need to keep his memory alive while letting go of the pain associated with it, I’ve got to be strong while grieving as much as I need to, I really want to keep myself occupied yet nothing seems worth doing anymore, i want to learn more about the illness and ways of making things better in the future for other people but it’s just too late already! I want to support my parents through this difficult time but they are actually looking after me like I was a baby.

My friend sent me these lines (by The Wayfarers lyric) that rang so true for me and brought me peace –

”Memories of you haunted me each passing night

My soul ravaged by emptiness, my eyes craving your light

Not having you near me to touch and to hold

Left my heart aching … lost and cold

But then I learnt to close my eyes, shut out the loneliness and pain

And I found your essence within me and I never felt empty again.

For you will always be … within me.”

A big thanks to all my friends without whom I would be nothing. I cannot thank you enough!

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