After many months I went to the gym yesterday. It was good to take my attention away from my heart and mind to my quads, hamstrings and non-existent abdominal muscles! The endorphines were great too! However today I am really ‘enjoying’ the after effects. Can hardly walk! I have another appointment at the gym for tomorrow. Boooohoooooo!

All the education that I am putting myself through helps me think about things a bit more deeply. It also makes me realise how little information was given to us as a family. Here are a couple of insights I had about the treatment or lack of it that my son received:

1. At no point in time was my son seen by a Consultant Psychiatrist. We were told that his case had been discussed with a Consultant. The psychiatrist who saw him in A&E was a registrar and so is the doctor who followed him up. Is this standard practise? If so, should it be?

2. Secondly, he was never ever started on a ‘mood stabilising drug’ which is the mainstay of treatment of severe Bipolar disorder. It had been mentioned at his very first consultation but not started. The GP did not even suggest it, despite the fact that the diagnosis had been known to him. Wonder why!

So many questions! No answers.

To every heart that dares to hope,
To every soul that longs for peace,
To everyone who shares His love….Joy to you and all the world.

This is a greeting from a dear friend for the festive season. So beautiful! This is also my greeting to anyone who might be reading this and to all the world.
Yes. Joy! 🙂

Four million (4,000,000!!!) people suffer with Bipolar disorder in the UK and it is the greatest killer of all psychiatric illnesses.

[ Source: The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive Part 1:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGDl6-lyfMY ]

Today was a day of trying to get an insight into what it feels like to have Bipolar disorder. I only had a brief introduction to it through my son. He tried but he could not accurately explain how he felt, which is not unusual. Often he would say things like “My brain is fried.” or “I am brain dead.”

I happened to chance upon The Bipolar Blogger Network  and learnt a lot. Felt a lot of the angst and pain that they must suffer. Am truly sobered and shocked by the nature of the suffering that is bipolar.  Of course, I cannot claim to have felt it the way they do but my compassion and admiration for them has grown many times over, through better understanding on my part and honest sharing on theirs. On depression – “It is like drowning. Except you can see everyone around you breathing.” I recognise that unsaid sentiment in my son’s eyes.

In ‘The people who want to help’ section, these 3 statements below were the most helpful ones for me at this time –

“Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.” – Stephen Fry

“With all the admiration and thanks that I can muster, this is a gesture of thanks aimed at our guardian angels, our caretakers: those understanding, non-judgmental, and gentle people who stick by those of us who are mentally ill regardless of how hard things get.” – Tear Lines

“Lastly – thank you! Whether you get it right or wrong, thank you for giving a shit. And you are loved for it by people who are good at extreme emotions.” – Blahpolar diaries

Here I would just like to repeat what I said at my son’s memorial service –  You are never alone.

The various spaces in my head are vacant and full at the same time,
My heart starts to ache anywhere, anytime,
At having to let him go in his prime.
There seems to be no reason or rhyme,
For the clocks to chime.

Memories flood me from all sides,
Bringing joy and despair out from where they hide,
The inner chattering and the chides,
Take a stance opposite to my side!

The hearts on his pyjamas are lavender,
His name has vanished from my calender,
I know I need to surrender!
I wish he would show up in my dreams someday,
‘I love you, my darling!’ I would say.

Letting go completely is the thing to do, I know.
How do I do it? Where do I go?
Is this an ‘opportunity’ for me to grow?
I am not sure. Doesn’t feel like it. I don’t think so.

My field of energy expands and contracts all day long,
I watch the waves rise and fall,
Sometimes I am so proud and stand tall,
Other times I feel like rolling up into a ball
And plunge into a slumber too deep for any call.

This morning I opened my eyes with the thought of more than 132 families who would be living through a nightmare right next door in Peshawar about 500 miles away. Is it humanly possible for something like this to happen in our world? What devilish forces must it take to make an assault on oneself like this? All around us there are governments eating themselves up from within, cities imploding and economies that self-destruct. Here is a classic example of a universe gorging itself and a community chomping off bits of itself. Why? There is no other!

Is it a coincidence that people, the young in particular, mirror what they see around them and turn on themselves?

———

Here is an enlightening talk on new development in the early diagnosis of Suicide and Mental Illness (or Brain illness).

One day he came back from a ‘hippie’ summer festival and gave me a big hug saying smilingly, “I got a tattoo”. I was a bit surprised. He then went on to show me this beautiful little picture of a baby elephant with a bigger one drawn in profile on his back just above his waist. “This is you and me.”, he said. How sweet! I took a picture which I think I have attached to this post but I am not sure if it has worked. As you know being an ‘old person’ working on a computer, one can never be sure.

There are so many lovely memories I have that make my heart go all warm and fuzzy!

Every time I walk past his portrait, I smile and blow him a little kiss. I am so grateful for the light he brought to my life, for all his friends who are now my friends and for all the love that has found expression in my life because of him.

In a way I am glad that he did not have to suffer the pain of loosing any of his dear ones during his lifetime. I love him dearly but he loves me more. My sweetheart. xxx

Compiling old pictures of a dear one who holds a special place in your heart, whom you miss greatly and yearn to be with again is a terrible process. Especially the videos! Seeing them talking, moving, pulling faces and doing all the things that were so ‘them’ and knowing that this will only ever be possible on screen is nauseatingly heart wrenching. I have done it a few times – once for the memorial in London and yesterday again, an updated version for the prayer service and memorial held today with all the family and friends in India.

The ceremony was witnessed by the sacred fire, the chief of all the Gods to whom various offerings were made. The priest reminded us of the impermanence of everything. He equated life with a river which appears to be continuous but is changing every moment. Just like a river is composed of many molecules of water, so is life, made of a series of moments, none of whom are identical. Everything is ever changing – our thoughts, our bodies, the times. When the times are good, be sure that tough times are not far behind and vice versa. He also brought to mind the fact that many people have been through even greater difficulties which have shaped their lives and inspired them to live more meaningful lives.

At present, I feel completely and utterly useless. Not working. Not doing anything else. Just getting through life, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. I don’t recognise myself.