Compiling old pictures of a dear one who holds a special place in your heart, whom you miss greatly and yearn to be with again is a terrible process. Especially the videos! Seeing them talking, moving, pulling faces and doing all the things that were so ‘them’ and knowing that this will only ever be possible on screen is nauseatingly heart wrenching. I have done it a few times – once for the memorial in London and yesterday again, an updated version for the prayer service and memorial held today with all the family and friends in India.
The ceremony was witnessed by the sacred fire, the chief of all the Gods to whom various offerings were made. The priest reminded us of the impermanence of everything. He equated life with a river which appears to be continuous but is changing every moment. Just like a river is composed of many molecules of water, so is life, made of a series of moments, none of whom are identical. Everything is ever changing – our thoughts, our bodies, the times. When the times are good, be sure that tough times are not far behind and vice versa. He also brought to mind the fact that many people have been through even greater difficulties which have shaped their lives and inspired them to live more meaningful lives.
At present, I feel completely and utterly useless. Not working. Not doing anything else. Just getting through life, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. I don’t recognise myself.