Day 291

“Her weight is 8 pounds 9 ounces. Our son weighed 10 pounds 2 when he was born.”

“This little fellow has so much more hair than his sister.”

“This tiny thing is so much noisier than her brother.”

I often hear remarks like these from parents of new born babies. I suppose comparing the new with the old is natural to an extent. However, it doesn’t stop there. It is everywhere. Comparisons! A pointless exercise in weighing, measuring and often judging.

When I cycle, I do the same thing. I compare the cycles, speeds, clothes, calf muscles and road manners. I tut-tut those who jump the traffic light but when no one is watching, do the same myself. I make excuses to myself for being slower than some of the others, saying “Most of them are at least 20 years younger than me.”

More than the cycling, this constant unnecessary mental noise is exhausting. I caught myself this evening and forced myself to stop thinking and just feel the cool breeze on my face. As I looked up I saw an artistic splash of pinkish-orange and grayish-blue colours decorating the sky. Instantly, I felt light and found myself smiling.

Being observant is clever but it is not the same as being attentive. Putting attention on something does not mean thinking about it. It means to just observe it, to feel it fully, to acknowledge and accept it as it is.  One of the emotions that I have been observing within me is ‘non-forgiveness’. It is partly directed at myself and partly at the cruelty of time….How can there be so much uncertainty?…How can so much be beyond my control?

This endless loop is the mind’s plot to ensure I remain stuck.

Jesus said, “Before you enter the temple. Forgive.”

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