Day 334

Of all the things I feel, ‘brave’ is certainly not one.
My heart is broken and continues to shatter into smaller bits every time I think of him or see his picture or hear his name.

Is this really happening? What really happened? To whom? Is this some kind of an alternate reality?

Can’t bear the thought of this happening again to anyone, ever. The aftermath is just….pure devastation!

Got completely taken by surprise today when an old colleague ran into me and asked, “How is your young man doing?” I couldn’t think of anything to say. I had to just squeeze my eyes shut and make an excuse to get away. I still walk around with heavy moist eyes ready for precipitation anytime anywhere. I have no strategy yet. Part of me wants to protect the others from the shock of learning what I know.

May be I should just smile and nod without saying anything. They will make of it what they will. They might think I am going bonkers and they wouldn’t be too far from the truth.

A volcano – that is what lives inside me now. Sometimes silent, then rumbling and then bubbling…. may settle down but is never dormant. Suddenly it can erupt furiously and uncontrollably. But then it stops and calm returns. The emotional lava is always there, ready to spew at the slightest provocation or for no reason at all.

That is just how it is.

I suppose this is how it will always be. It is normal. It is ok.

3 thoughts on “Day 334

  1. My dear, be kind to the volcano inside you. Give it time and be patient, it will not disappear but it will quiet down… Let your tears flow. With lot of love and hugs!


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