Day 488

Every night I wish to see him in my dreams.
That’s the closest I can get.
On a few occasions I did.
Once as an utterly cute 5 year old, reminding me how it broke my heart to be separated from him when leaving for work.
Once as a 20 year old, at home with his friends sharing laughs and youtube videos as if he was actually here. I woke up feeling delighted and deeply sorrowful at the same time. Yes. It is possible.

Working regularly with women giving birth has a subliminal effect on the women who work with them. Two nights ago I dreamt that I was undergoing a Caesarean section. A beautiful and healthy baby was born, I was told but I was not allowed to see him or her. They told me that because I was a surrogate mother, I could not see the baby lest I develop an attachment to him or her. So, even though the baby was mine, it was not. It was someone else’s to the extent that I was not to see him. Maybe the root cause of all this pain is ‘I’ and ‘mine’.

That was a nightmare. I couldn’t fall back to sleep thereafter. I lay in the dark with my eyes open. I am just living my life and doing my best to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible but nightmares come uninvited.

Let’s blame it on the cauliflower cheese we had for dinner the night before.

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