forgiveness

Day 359

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A little boy and a little girl sang with me :

“Twinkle Twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.”

My crazy diamond! Isn’t it strange how everything I hear and see, speak and sing, smell and touch, has relevance to my love for him and the connection between us? My life is a string of memories of him and blessings to him. The kids now know as do I, that whenever they look up at the night sky, the brightest star they see, is he.

The mind shouts at me,” YOU let him down!”
Time after time. Again and again.
I listen.
Trying not to agree or disagree.
Just listen.
Not add or take away anything from it.
Just listen.
Do my damndest hard to ignore the bark of a mad dog.
Stand back from it.
Just watch it like sound waves coming off drum membranes.
Observe the noise without joining in.
No defence. No attack. No judgement. No advise.
With no desire to fix anything. Or change anything.
Just listen.
Wait for the noise to fade, giving in to compassion ….. for myself.
Not absolving or blaming myself.
Just being.
With what is.

Knowing this to be an opportunity to extend my love not just to one person but through him to the entire universe – the stars, the sea and the clouds.
That is what this is about.
It is certainly not about me. I just happen to be.
I am incidental. In this place.
I am nothing, yet my nature is vast!
I am just a hollow and empty space.
At this point in time. In the here and now.

Day 332

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We missed the start of the 25 km walk by an hour and a half because of a roadblock. The workers only spoke a quaint dialect of Hindi, so luckily I was able to communicate with them and get through as a special case. Phew! Thank God! It was so real…I was hugely relieved to find myself in bed breaking into a sweat at 4 am.

In reality, we got there well in time for registration and freshly cut pineapple slices among other things. A gorgeous athletic looking lady took us through a cheerful and enthusiastic warm up routine to an upbeat salsa-like song. Great start.

Once again, nature was on our side. The weather was as perfect as could be – temperature in the high teens, light breeze and gentle sunshine. I did look at the sun tampering down its brilliance by hiding behind a thin film of cloud and smiled. I even blew a kiss at it. I deeply felt like ‘someone’ was watching over us.

The views along river Thames were just stunning – a content herd of calves basking in the sun, lush green grass, cute little cottages and huge mansions with pristine gardens, rowing boats and elegant swans. The organisers had thought of everything. It was a very pleasant experience. We were a team of four so time flew while we chatted and took pictures as we walked together. It took us about 5 hours to complete the walk including 2 breaks.

The finish line was flooded with tears from my eyes and many others. The medal said:

“Life is like the river, sometimes it sweeps you gently along and sometimes the rapids come out of nowhere…”

After getting back home, I lit a candle in front of his picture as usual. Instantly, the thought appeared in my head, “Maybe I didn’t make him feel special enough”. I had to remind myself that at the vigil I had wanted to whisper in everybody’s ear, “It’s not your fault”.

Day 319

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He would have loved Lagos (Portugal). It has a warm, light and relaxed vibe about it. The air is clean and fresh, the sky and the sea emerald blue. It is multilingual and multicultural with a German bakery, a Dutch supermarket, an Irish pub and a smattering of tokens from all over the world. 8 months of the year one can get by in shorts, t-shirts and flip-flops which is what he preferred to wear even at the near freezing temperatures of the English winter. He would also have thoroughly enjoyed the real piri-piri sauce given his passion for hot food.

The one thing he would not have liked is a dark period in the history of Lagos. In the 15th century it had a market at which slaves, imported from North Africa, were sold. The building that housed the slave market has a wide porch and double arches. It still stands on the seafront as a constant reminder of that inhuman practice.

This is the new normal. When I am in a new place, I wonder what he would have thought of it, how he would have reacted or felt. The ones we love are always in our hearts.

While these thoughts were going on in my head, our Yoga teacher this morning read out this ‘Mantra of love’ –

“Because I am the only person I will have a relationship with all my life
I choose
To love myself the way I am now
To always acknowledge that I am enough just the way I am
To love, honour and cherish myself
To be my own best friend
To be the person I am happy to spend the rest of my life with
To always take care of myself so that I can take care of others
To always grow, develop and share my love and life.

Om peace, peace, peace.”

Day 306

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Non-judgmental attitude and practice in everyday life is something that many of us strive for and idealise. In essence it means not to be critical of other people’s thoughts or actions based on one’s own biases, thus allowing for new ideas and theories to emerge. As a medic, it is imperative on me to not have any pre-formed notions or opinions of my patients even when they are alcoholics, unkempt, very posh or anything else.

I notice that while we strive hard to be non-judgmental about others, it’s very different when it comes to ourselves. I find me judging myself often – about the stuff I write, or even think, my behavior on occasions in the past, my lack of understanding and knowledge of certain subjects, my low energy levels at times and even how many things I managed to tick off my to-do list on a given day! It’s silly but true. Acceptance of oneself with all one’s failings and frailties surely must be the foundation of accepting life and everyone else.

“Of course there is no formula for success except, perhaps, an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.” Arthur Rubinstein

I do bear in mind that everyday may not be good but there is something good in every day. I stay with that ‘something good’ and keep my attention on it. That makes the rest of it tolerable. I am ok. In fact, I am good. How are you?