Today I saw my baby for the very last time.
He really looked like a baby – sleeping peacefully and so vulnerable!
Of course I had to remind myself that what I saw was just a vehicle for his soul which is eternal. I still derived great comfort from stroking his forehead and eyebrows. I admired his lovely long lashes and beautiful nose. The stubble was so typical of him. I remember having to force him to shave last tuesday and later apologising for being so tough on him. Poor child! He really did try hard. For the last few days, I have experienced how difficult it is to get out of bed in the mornings and get dressed. To think that what he experienced was many times worse than that and yet he coped the way he did, made me admire him greatly.
It’s strange how the silliest things bring back the pain in all its intensity. While grocery shopping today, I just broke down and cried as I walked through the confectionary section. He and I had a ritual of buying chocolate eclairs whenever we went shopping together. We would eat them in the car on the way home. It was our thing.
While driving home, I saw a train moving on the overbridge and I felt my heart racing and me wanting to scream for the train to stop.
We spent the evening talking about the eulogies for the Cremation ceremony tomorrow.