Can’t believe it is Day 10 today! Can’t even fully believe that all that has transpired has actually happened for real.
Today was one of the quieter days so far. I had some time and space to myself which was not a good thing.
We went for a walk, went out for a late lunch, sat around and chatted for a while. There was even a lot of laughter which was nice but at all times, I felt completely disconnected from everything that was happening around me. It was as though another film was running in my head simultaneously which was themed – ”If this would have been like that, then may be…..” To be more specific – “If I had known this, I could have done that…..” and so on. Starting with simple things like food choices to holiday plans all the way to the doctors being consulted – the whole range of activities to the exclusion of nothing.
Intellectually I know it is pointless but I am aware I am doing this constantly. Emotionally I am not able to stop the process. I suppose just being aware of it is a step in the right direction. May be I need to find a middle path where my rational mind can have some hold on the other one.
Well, another day gone without him. I really miss him. It seems like the rest of my life is like a debt to be repaid and each passing day lightens the burden a little bit.