Day 10

Can’t believe it is Day 10 today! Can’t even fully believe that all that has transpired has actually happened for real.

Today was one of the quieter days so far. I had some time and space to myself which was not a good thing.

We went for a walk, went out for a late lunch, sat around and chatted for a while. There was even a lot of laughter which was nice but at all times, I felt completely disconnected from everything that was happening around me. It was as though another film was running in my head simultaneously which was themed – ”If this would have been like that, then may be…..” To be more specific – “If I had known this, I could have done that…..” and so on. Starting with simple things like food choices to holiday plans all the way to the doctors being consulted – the whole range of activities to the exclusion of nothing.

Intellectually I know it is pointless but I am aware I am doing this constantly. Emotionally I am not able to stop the process. I suppose just being aware of it is a step in the right direction. May be I need to find a middle path where my rational mind can have some hold on the other one.

Well, another day gone without him. I really miss him. It seems like the rest of my life is like a debt to be repaid and each passing day lightens the burden a little bit.

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