“How are you?”

I really don’t know.
May be I do but I have no words for it.
I really don’t want to think about it.
How much time have you got?
I am not sure this is a good time.
I would much rather be somewhere else.
You really don’t want to know.
How does it matter anyway!
It changes every so often.
Definitely not ‘fine’.

I certainly have lost a lot of grey cells over the last few months. I am much more forgetful and distracted. I am so much slower than before. Can’t get much done on any given day. It’s a wonder how I manage to write two hundred words most days. I can see myself starting to look at the word count at about this time….. 133…134….

It’s funny sometimes. Have I fed the cats? Is the red basket for washed laundry or the blue one for the unwashed one? Where is my phone? Did I lock the car before coming back indoors? Have I seen that film? What’s his name? What’s your name? I am sure it starts with an ‘r’. Why did I come into this room? Why I am I still here?

It is a relief that the last few days are behind me. I have been asked by my therapist not to apologise for my grief. I grieve because he matters, his memory matters and our relationship matters. A lot.