I watched more TV today than I would in a whole month. After all my energy had been sucked up by the fever, coughing, spluttering, sneezing, wheezing and snorting and trying desperately to breathe through a completely blocked nose, that’s all I had strength left for – lifelessly and mindlessly sitting in front of the ‘idiot box’ with a big box of tissues.
The phone rang and it was one of his dearest friends with whom I had not spoken in a long time. I was delighted to hear from him and it suddenly hit me that if my son was here he would make me cups of tea and give me the much needed TLC (tender loving care). He was my baby but he took good care of me. This was my chance to express my sadness and share how much I missed him. We spoke for a long time about how we felt and how we dealt with our feelings. I admitted to indulging in self-pity big time but so what? It’s still legal.
This grief has so many layers. I think I am getting through it and then another one appears out of nowhere. The way he left the world, the suddenness of it and the circumstances around it take up so much of the space in my head and heart, that the feeling of deep loss confronts me squarely in the face only when the others are in the background. It is a fact. This is it. This is how it will always be. I will miss him for as long as I live. I will carry this pain with me forever. It’s mine to learn to love.
I light a candle to our love and place it in front of his picture. Good night my darling. I love you.
You are something else. Out of this world!!!