Day 349

The Coroner’s inquest takes place on the 2nd of October, exactly 2 weeks short of his first death anniversary.

2nd October also happens to be a national holiday in India to honour Mahatma Gandhi’s birthday. He is one of my heroes, a man who stood for truth and non-violence.

Until today I have somehow been able to push the imminent inquest to the back of my mind but suddenly I am aware that it is less than 36 hours away. I trawled the internet this morning to gain an insight into what the process had been like for other people. I watched a few videos and found that it was very different for everyone.

I don’t know what to expect of the process, of others and of myself. I suppose that is a good place to be. What will be will be. I have been preparing for this day subconsciously since Day 0. This will be an opportunity to really be a “witness” in more ways than one.

Whatever happens, my son will not be coming back at the end of it. I will probably relive the entire experience in all its details all over again. That will be a familiar process as I have done it countless times already. But this time there will be other people in the room, participating in the conversation. That will be strange but I am open to it.

Somehow, the upcoming inquest is currently occupying a large part of my brain. My nervous system feels jangled. The butterflies in my stomach are fluttering really hard and my limbs feel week.

It’s not about my son or me anymore. It’s about learning meaningful lessons and bringing them into practice. It’s about acknowledging the tragedy that is suicide, not just for affected families but for the whole world. It’s about being aware of and sensitive to our own and other people’s suffering. It’s about never letting anyone suffer alone.

(Time: 9.30 am; Place: Southwark Coroner’s court. 1 Tennis Street. London. SE1 1YD)

4 thoughts on “Day 349

  1. Dear Sangeeta
    I met you at the SOBS day in London and have been reading your blog ever since. I will be thinking about you tomorrow at the inquest and you are right “what will be will be”. We have lost our sons and we will grieve forever.

    “Grief never ends….But it changes. It’s a passage,not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness,nor a lack of faith….. It is the price of love.”

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    • Dear Hazel. Thanks a lot for your love and support. Those words on grief are beautiful and comforting. I hope you are being kind to yourself.My thoughts are with you. Please do let me know when you are in London next. Lots of love, S. xxx

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  2. Dear Sangeeta,
    Today is a long and difficult day. I hope you are physically well and emotionally staying strong! I am thinking about you xx

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