Mothers and fathers who were bereaved up to 20 years ago still seem to be heartbroken. It sounds like it could be endless, this pain. Apparently it does change in intensity. While walking with one such parent I said, “Each day I start afresh, as though I have just found out. This horrible thing has happened. There is nothing I can do to change it. It is final. I have no say in the matter and it is so so sad!.” She said that now, for her, it is the same with seasons. When the summer comes, she thinks about her daughter and how much she will be missed during the summer. So it goes with every season. Is that any better? I have no idea.
There is no escape, no short cut, no magic formula. The only way to get past it is to go through it. Whenever my son found something really difficult, I would say encouragingly, “That’s what makes it worth doing.” I would lead by example and apply the same principle to myself too but now that I have been put to the test, I am not doing so well. Today was not a good day at work. It was inefficient, disorganised and boring! That made everything seem much worse. I love my job and have always been grateful for it. In the past I have spent more time working than I have to or need to. So much is changing. Will I recognise myself in a few years? Will my son recognise me?
Today I carried my compounded unhappiness around with me. It found expression at a most inopportune moment. It was not fair on my dear friend who happened to be there, peacefully getting on with her life.
I need to consider how to be more mindful of the potential impact of what I say on those around me.