Day 437

One year ago I was here – exactly at this spot on this beach with my man, Si. I sat for hours looking at the waves come and go, over and over again. I sat feeling blank, shocked and sad. I just sat.
Some days I walked a hundred yards.
Once or twice I had a soak in the sea.
Mostly I stared vacantly into the distance, missing him so much that the pain felt like a burning hole through my chest.

Today I am here again. Si is still by my side. I don’t know how he does it. My parents are here. A very close friend is also here. Five of us are having a relaxing and nourishing time together. Saagar is here of course. His thoughts and memories are here. The questions are still here. The umpteen ways in which I could have changed the course of nature if only time would rewind are also here and the chorus continuously marches through my head. This caravan travels with me everywhere. It does not appear to be thinning but my ability to carry it has improved.

The rice and fish curry this afternoon was absolutely delicious. Saagar would have loved it. He would definitely have licked his plate as a complement to the chef. Yes. To my utter horror he could be like that sometimes.

Every moment of everyday is still filled with emptiness but I can eat, walk, laugh, play and somehow appear ‘normal’. I don’t know how I do it.

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