Day 505

Motherhood

Sadler’s Wells and Old Vic are two iconic theatres in London. The former is famous for its dance performances and the latter for theatrical ones. This week we happened to visit both of them. The last time I visited these two venues, Saagar was with me.

I looked at the seats we had and remembered what we watched, the restaurants where we had dinner, the food we ordered, others who went with us, his light flirtations with the waitress, some of the jokes we shared, him excusing himself to go out for a smoke… everything.

Is there ever an end to heartbreak? How many times is it possible for one poor heart to shatter? How sustainable is the process? What is this ‘motherhood’ thing? Why is it so strong and painful?  The scientific analogy that best summarizes it for me is maternal-fetal microchimerism– a phenomenon of fetal cells crossing the placenta and establishing lineages within the mother. These fetal cells have been documented to persist and multiply in the mother for several decades. So Saagar and I are likely to have some of each other’s intact cells inside us forever — as I have with my mother, and she with hers, and so on.

Elizabeth Stone says “having a child is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” To me, that includes half my DNA, some of my cells, and so many of my hopes and dreams, all in one sweet, kissable, adorable package. The one I lost.

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