Grey day

I didn’t light his candle today. Not because I forgot. But I just couldn’t be bothered. He left without saying bye. I know it’s silly to bring this up now, after so many years. He needed to do whatever it was he needed to do. He needed to go. I understand. But the missing makes my heart crumble again and yet again. How is it possible to keep going after its smashed so many times? It feels like the old yellow rubber duck in his bath, being stamped heavily upon, by a topless angry Arnold Swarzenegger wearing big black military trousers and boots. What is this thing that pretends to drum in my chest, tattered and torn?

He broke the rule. Saying good-night was our ritual for many years. After settling him in his bed, I religiously kissed him on his chin, both his cheeks, first left and then the right, his closed eyes, first the left and then the right and then, once on his forehead. He put his little arms around my neck and we both held each other for a short while before I switched off the light and went to my room. We loved it and slept peacefully.

He didn’t respect our little rule. Maybe he couldn’t. But, I deserved at least, a proper good bye. But then, can anyone truly know who deserves what?

all my love,

endlessly

black and white portrait.

2 thoughts on “Grey day

  1. Dearest Sangeeta, I’ve asked this so many times of my own situation but how could they, we could never say goodbye ….. perhaps we never need to say goodbye, we have said all that matters before. I can feel your heart breaking as mine is. I will light a candle for you dear Sangeeta, right now. It is a candle bought for me by Gareth. With love and heartfelt blessings xxxx

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  2. Yes, that not being able to say goodbye breaks my heart over and over again. I remember so clearly the last look of her bright brown eyes as she said goodbye and went to work that morning, 21 years ago. I never got to look into them again or see her beautiful smile as she turned her head.

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