Day 306

Posted by kidsaregifts20

Non-judgmental attitude and practice in everyday life is something that many of us strive for and idealise. In essence it means not to be critical of other people’s thoughts or actions based on one’s own biases, thus allowing for new ideas and theories to emerge. As a medic, it is imperative on me to not have any pre-formed notions or opinions of my patients even when they are alcoholics, unkempt, very posh or anything else.

I notice that while we strive hard to be non-judgmental about others, it’s very different when it comes to ourselves. I find me judging myself often – about the stuff I write, or even think, my behavior on occasions in the past, my lack of understanding and knowledge of certain subjects, my low energy levels at times and even how many things I managed to tick off my to-do list on a given day! It’s silly but true. Acceptance of oneself with all one’s failings and frailties surely must be the foundation of accepting life and everyone else.

“Of course there is no formula for success except, perhaps, an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.” Arthur Rubinstein

I do bear in mind that everyday may not be good but there is something good in every day. I stay with that ‘something good’ and keep my attention on it. That makes the rest of it tolerable. I am ok. In fact, I am good. How are you?

Day 304

Posted by kidsaregifts20

Hindi and Urdu poetry is a treasure trove of expressions of love. Unfortunately a lot of the sweetness and depth gets lost in translation.

Gulzar is an accomplished poet, author, lyricist and film director. What makes his writing exceptional is its subtlety and simplicity. While it is deeply human, it has a profoundly metaphysical dimension to it. Here is an attempted translation of one of his prose on the delicate and sublime nature of love, originally written in Urdu. These couplets have been dear to me since I was a young girl. They have meant different things at different times over the years.

“I have witnessed the fragrance emanating from those eyes.
Do not stain it by labelling it as a relationship.
It is just a realisation; experience it with your soul.
Let love be love, do not ascribe it a label.

Love is not words, love is not a sound (or voice).
It is a silence that listens and speaks by itself.
It does not die, it does not stop, it does not pause.
It is a drop of divinity that flows for eons.

It blooms like a smile somewhere in the eyes.
It adorns the eyelashes with a glow.
Lips do not say much but on quivering lips,
many silent stories remain suspended (waiting to be told).

It is just a realisation; experience it with your soul.
Let love be love, do not ascribe it a label.”

The word ‘realisation’ denotes oneness with the Universe.
A self-realised person is ‘in love’ with everything and everybody.
Unconditionally.

Putting a name to love restricts it.
Expectations to conform to the norms of that label set in.
They do not allow for the expansion of consciousness.
Let love remain boundless, pure and unstained.

Day 303

Posted by kidsaregifts20

Today I heard this song by ‘Everything But The Girl’ for the first time and loved it.

“I step off the train
I’m walking down your street again
And past your door, but you don’t live there anymore
It’s years since you’ve been there
Now you’ve disappeared somewhere, like outer space
You’ve found some better place

And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain

Could you be dead?
You always were two steps ahead, of everyone
We’d walk behind while you would run
I look up at your house
And I can almost hear you shout down to me
Where I always used to be

And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain

Back on the train, I ask why did I come again?
Can I confess, I’ve been hanging round your old address?
And the years have proved
To offer, nothing since you’ve moved
You’re long gone, but I can’t move on

And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain”

We went for a long walk with a friend today and had a few good laughs. At the end I gave her a hug and said softly, ”You are sweet.” In response she said with a big smile, ”I am a real bitch.” We both burst out laughing. Comedy was something he really enjoyed, especially stand-up. One of his favourites was Paul Chawdhry, a young British man of Asian origin. We often watched video clips of his shows together. Here is one he mimicked to perfection. I could almost hear him say some of the words and make some of those face expressions. Even though it made me laugh, I missed him like the deserts miss the rain.

Music and humour are known to heal.
It was a good day.

Day 297

Posted by kidsaregifts20

A few days ago my son’s best friend came over for lunch and once again we exchanged our observations of him over the year before he passed away. It showed up more missing pieces of the puzzle. At the end of the discussion we felt like all of us had separately watched different bits of the same film. Each of us had little snatches of information from here and there but none of us saw all the events in their totality. We should have really share all that information at the time. Sadly we didn’t.

Even the letter from the psychiatrist said – “No history of self harm.” Not true. So, us two were not the only ones missing out on relevant information. He managed to hide it from them but if they had asked me they would have known the key facts. Sadly they didn’t.

It makes more sense now after going back and joining up the dots. It pains me deeply and reaffirms my belief that suicide is preventable if each one of us knows about the warning signs and actively watches out for them. It should help tremendously if, once the warning signs are identified, we know how to keep the person at risk safe and where to get help.

A dear friend shared an easy way to remember the warning signs. A mnemonic: IS PATH WARM?

I Ideation (suicidal ideas)
S Substance Abuse

         P       Purposelessness
         A       Anxiety
         T       Trapped
         H      Hopelessness

         W     Withdrawal
         A       Anger
         R      Recklessness
         M      Mood Changes

Let us prioritise the well-being of all of us over everything else. Sometimes when it’s late, it’s too late.

Day 293

Posted by kidsaregifts20

‘Jis tan laage so tan jaane.’ – this is a Punjabi phrase that means, “Only the one who suffers can know the suffering.”

Now I know what that means.

Now I know why support groups work. People who have had similar experiences can truly empathise with each other. I am sure others can ‘imagine’ how it must feel but they can’t know it. In fact, a frequent grievance amongst those bereaved through suicide is that even close friends and colleagues don’t understand what it is like. It is bewildering and isolating when that happens as quite often some of them are the ones we count on when things go wrong.

Why is it that some people can’t even extend their condolences for our loss? Irrespective of how our loved ones died, they did die. We lost someone dear to us forever. That surely is more important than how it happened. I think that often it is their own discomfort that stops them. May be they don’t want to upset us by bringing it up. I do not blame anyone for not understanding. They can’t. And similarly, I can’t understand what it is like for them to have someone like me around – recently bereaved.

Of course, I think it is ‘recent’. A friend who lost her child around the same time as I lost my son was told by a psychiatrist that she suffers from ‘Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD).” It is defined by its symptoms, duration and intensity. The symptoms are yearning intensely for the person, identity confusion, difficulty accepting the loss, bitterness, emotional numbness, inability to trust others and feeling stuck in grief. These are present every day, cause significant distress and functional impairment and remain intense, frequent and disabling for six months or more after the death.

Isn’t this pure ‘medicalisation’ of the human condition?
I think I have PGD too. I belong to a community that does.

Through this painful experience, I have been very fortunate to experience overwhelming love and compassion from all around me. Despite the devastation of it, it has been life affirming. I shall always be grateful for that.

Firstly we don’t really know our own capacity for compassion.
Secondly, we can’t imagine the potential for our compassion to bring about transformation in our world.