gratitude

Day 336

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After my son first went to university, I would find any old excuse to stay out till late after work, coming back home just in time for bed. I did this for a month before saying to myself, “You can’t keep running away from yourself.” After a few big cries, I found new ways of moving forward. I discovered Ikebana, long evening walks and Come Dine with Me.

Today I did the same thing. My partner is out of town tonight. So, I browsed through books at Foyles, walked along the South bank of the Thames, watched a contemporary dance recital and had dinner by myself at a nice restaurant. I read these beautiful lines about moving that deeply resonated with me – “Migration meant far more than a journey across unknown seas to strange lands. At times the desire to preserve a link with what had been left behind failed because of sheer distance. Tenacity was needed to keep alive some sense of permanence, some sense of the known. Often that devotion to remembered tradition was jolted by shifts and changes in the old home country. The passing of time and generations in the new lands brought its own inner journeys. It created its own powerful alchemy out of things half remembered or wholly rejected. Loss and gain were the materials out of which new ways of belonging both to the present and the past were crafted.”

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But ultimately, for me, home is not  just a place. It’s a person.

Day 335

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When a guest appreciated my cooking this evening, I was reminded of the time when I used to cook for my son and his friends when they were younger. Once he reached the age of 18 he had pretty much taken over from me. Rice, chicken curry, daal, spinach-paneer, yogurt and salad were the standard items on the menu.

Whenever his friends praised my food, just to provoke a reaction from him, in true Bollywood style I would say, ”Well, the food has the most important ingredient in it – my love for you.” Predictably, he would screw his nose up and say, “So cheesy!” I found that hugely entertaining and we had a good laugh.

Once upon a time I used to sing. I used to attend weekly lessons in classical vocal music. I used to host musical gatherings for up to 300 people. He used to accompany me on drums or djembe despite the fact that he hated my kind of music. He was really sweet.

In this garden around me, there are a lot of thorns and a lot of roses. I need to pick out the roses, knowing that the thorns will always be there. The beauty and fragrance of the roses cannot be marred by the painful thorns.

Day 333

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A young nurse approached me and said “I just wanted to thank you for writing that article. I was not sure but now I know exactly what I need to do.” We stood hugging each other for a while in the hospital corridor this morning. I felt grateful for that moment. Her heartfelt gratitude brought tears to my eyes.

The response to the article makes me feel as though people have been waiting to hear more about mental illness and suicide. They have been like unacknowledged entities that exist amongst us silently. Or maybe we have been deaf-mute so far and now are ready to speak and listen. It is about time; already too late for some of us.

Last week I met a young doctor whose wife is near the end of her GP training. He told me that she has not spent any dedicated time in psychiatry during the 3 years of her training. Nothing at all. This is still happening. 1 in 4 patients attending a GP surgery present with a problem which has a direct or indirect bearing on their state of mind.

CPR (Cardio Pulmonary Resuscitation) is part of mandatory training for all doctors because it saves lives. But Suicide Prevention is not. Does that not save lives?

Those that speak out tend to be those who have been most affected by mental illness and suicide. That something good comes of their/our suffering and loss is but a small consolation but perhaps it was always this way:

Like to a ship that storms urge on its course,
By its own trials our soul is surer made.
The very things that make the voyage worse
Do make it better; its peril is its aid.
And, as the storm drives from the storm, our heart
Within the peril disimperilled grows;
A port is near the more from port we part –
The port whereto our driven direction goes.
If we reap knowledge to cross-profit, this
From storms we learn, when the storm’s height doth drive –
That the black presence of its violence is
The pushing promise of near far blue skies.
Learn we but how to have the pilot-skill,
And the storm’s very might shall mate our will.

– Fernando Pessoa

Day 332

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We missed the start of the 25 km walk by an hour and a half because of a roadblock. The workers only spoke a quaint dialect of Hindi, so luckily I was able to communicate with them and get through as a special case. Phew! Thank God! It was so real…I was hugely relieved to find myself in bed breaking into a sweat at 4 am.

In reality, we got there well in time for registration and freshly cut pineapple slices among other things. A gorgeous athletic looking lady took us through a cheerful and enthusiastic warm up routine to an upbeat salsa-like song. Great start.

Once again, nature was on our side. The weather was as perfect as could be – temperature in the high teens, light breeze and gentle sunshine. I did look at the sun tampering down its brilliance by hiding behind a thin film of cloud and smiled. I even blew a kiss at it. I deeply felt like ‘someone’ was watching over us.

The views along river Thames were just stunning – a content herd of calves basking in the sun, lush green grass, cute little cottages and huge mansions with pristine gardens, rowing boats and elegant swans. The organisers had thought of everything. It was a very pleasant experience. We were a team of four so time flew while we chatted and took pictures as we walked together. It took us about 5 hours to complete the walk including 2 breaks.

The finish line was flooded with tears from my eyes and many others. The medal said:

“Life is like the river, sometimes it sweeps you gently along and sometimes the rapids come out of nowhere…”

After getting back home, I lit a candle in front of his picture as usual. Instantly, the thought appeared in my head, “Maybe I didn’t make him feel special enough”. I had to remind myself that at the vigil I had wanted to whisper in everybody’s ear, “It’s not your fault”.

Day 330

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Advaita is the expression of the common philosophy that lies at the heart of many religions and philosophies. It means ‘one without a second’. Its most central tenet is that everyone and everything are in essence the expression of one consciousness, irrespective of geography, race, religion or creed. It can be found not only in the East, where it was first taught, but equally at the heart of many western philosophical and religious teachings. The Bible and the works of Plato both express this idea in many places. The works of Shakespeare, too, present aspects of Advaita with extraordinary beauty and clarity.

He is me and I am him.

Here is an excerpt from Thích Nhất Hạnh’s discourse:

I asked the leaf whether it was frightened because it was autumn and the other leaves were falling.

The leaf told me, “No. During the whole spring and summer I was completely alive. I worked hard to help nourish the tree, and now much of me is in the tree. I am not limited by this form. I am also the whole tree, and when I go back to the soil, I will continue to nourish the tree. So I don’t worry at all. As I leave this branch and float to the ground, I will wave to the tree and tell her, “I will see you again very soon.”

That day there was a wind blowing and, after a while, I saw the leaf leave the branch and float down to the soil, dancing joyfully, because as it floated it saw itself already there in the tree. It was so happy. I bowed my head, knowing that I have a lot to learn from the leaf.”

” … So please continue to look back and you will see that you have always been here. Let us look together and penetrate into the life of a leaf, so we may be one with the leaf. Let us penetrate and be one with the cloud or with the wave, to realize our own nature as water and be free from our fear. If we look very deeply, we will transcend birth and death.

Tomorrow, I will continue to be. But you will have to be very attentive to see me. I will be a flower, or a leaf. I will be in these forms and I will say hello to you. If you are attentive enough, you will recognize me, and you may greet me. I will be very happy.