What is your Superpower?

When I lived a cramped, hectic life in London, I often romanticed the texture of life in a scenic little seaside cottage with no neighbours in Cornwall or a tiny remote island a few miles off the coast of the Pacific Northwest or a lonely dwelling on the side of a vast mountain in the Himalayas. Deep down lay an incipient desire to experience it.

A few years on, I make the choice to live in a one bed-room house in remote South India. Malnad, the region of rain, notorious for a long heavy monsoon. The nearest airport, five hours by road on a good day and the closest half-decent hospital an hour’s drive away. After a few months the newness of this rural setting starts to diminish. Mornings begin with chirps and trills emerging out of a serene silence. I draw the curtains to find the morning fog gently floating across layers of overlapping lush green slopes, reaching right up to the horizon. I am filled with gratitude. I say to myself, ‘Don’t ever take this for granted.’

If I start listing all the things that are not here, an exhaustive inventory might appear – a library, a café, a restaurant, a museum, an art gallery, a community centre, a swimming pool, a book shop and so on. But I do have a superpower. On whatever I put my attention, that seems to grow, fill my awareness. Music, chanting, yoga, reading, writing, meditation, nature – all the things that I used to struggle to make time for, are now in abundance.

I can choose where I want to place my attention because this is my one precious life, my one chance to live and learn and enjoy. I am exactly where I want to be and need to be. This is the perfect opportunity to match my inner silence with the one I sit within. To observe and let go. Examine and let go. Feel and let it go. Think and let it go. Breathe in and let go.

Contentment does not need objects to justify itself. In every moment, it is present as a choice. At the tiniest hint of my attention, it shows up, smiling. The more I sit with it, the more it makes itself available. When I touch, its texture is silky.

Caves are well-known conduits to enlightenment. May be this is mine. I wonder if contentment is another name for happiness.

Little things.

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“Where you from?”

I wonder why so many people in my own country make this query. They ask often enough to annoy me enough to make me stop and think. Why?

Is it because my grey hair seems odd in a country where almost everyone adorns black hair, irrespective of age? Is my accent too strange for my own people? Do I dress funny? My mother believes it’s because I say ‘Thank-you’ much too often. At the end of a meal in a restaurant, accepting the bill, Thank you. Waiter handing me the card machine, Thank you. Making the payment and handing him back the machine. Thank you. Receiving a copy of the receipt. Thank you. Leaving the restaurant through a door held by a doorman. Thank you.

Do other people do it to the same extent or is my thanking over the top?

Do I really mean it each time I say it or is it a mindless habit? An automatic impulse? Spontaneous blurting?

Well, do I need to convert my gratitude into a problem? It has to be a good thing. Right? They say more gratitude makes for less stress, better relationships, good mood, optimism and connection. It helps us celebrate goodness in the world and newness of the present moment. It blocks negative emotions like envy, resentment and regret. It improves my social ties and self-worth as I feel that someone is looking out for me. Research has proven it to be essential to happiness. It is the ‘queen of all virtues.’ They say it’s not merely a sentiment but a practice. It can be cultivated by noticing little things, sights and smells, sounds and sensations, tastes and shapes and movements. Writing them down.

Do I actually feel grateful for the little things others do for me? Do I smile and make eye contact with them? Do I meaningfully connect with the person in front of me? Do I hold the attitude of gratitude in my body? Yes.

So, I am comfortable with not taking small things for granted, even if it translates to saying thank-you too often. The next time someone asks “Where you from?” I will say, “Thank you for asking.” 😉

Resources:

Gratitude Quiz: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes/take_quiz/gratitude

Day 973

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The days are just packed.

Days come and go, one after another, in a silent single file. Left to me, I would let the disciplined procession pass quietly. Luckily, it is not left to me alone. Si is an expert at creating things to look forward to. Never before has my diary been so full of fun things to do. Even when the diary is blank, he comes up with ideas that make the day go by in the most enjoyable way.

We had no plans for today but then we needed to buy hose connections to water our tiny garden. A trip to the garden centre meant we walked around with a trolley and looked at things and found a few that would be nice for the house. Before long, we had to get a second trolley for things we hadn’t thought of before we entered the store.

Dolly Parton famously quotes, “my definition of happiness is having something to do what you love to do, someone to love and something to look forward to.”

One argument against constantly wanting something to look forward to could be that it takes our attention away from the present moment. Yet, the two do not have to be mutually exclusive. Simple things like half an hour of peace to meditate or write a journal, a walk with a friend, a bike ride through the park, a warm shower or a bubble bath, trying out a new restaurant, a long chat with a friend on the phone, reading a book, cooking something nice and sharing with friends, a good stretch, a massage, a dance or exercise class can be uplifting. However, ‘doing’ something all the time is no fun. Doing less may be the answer for some.

Coming from a place of gratitude and abundance, looking forward to something is fabulous!

Thanks for helping me see that, Si.

Day 772

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Positive thinking and Positive Psychology are not so positive as implicit within them is a resistance to the negative. I believe that positive and negative are two sides of the same coin. As humans we place undue focus on the negatives. So, it is good to shift our attention to the positives and see what makes happy people happy.

Martin Seligman is credited as the father of Positive Psychology and its efforts to scientifically explore human potential. In his book ‘Authentic Happiness’ (2002), he describes a useful equation:

Seligman’s Happiness Equation

H=S+C+V

H = Happiness
S = Sum of our genetic capacity for happiness (50%)
C = Circumstances (10%)
V = Voluntary Control (40%)

S and C are pretty much beyond our control. V is the only one we can do something about through our thoughts and actions. There are 4 ways to think about happiness:

Pleasures (sensory and immediate; we can become numbed to them. Eg. handbags)
Gratifications (absorbing; may not be pleasurable at the time but take us towards something worthwhile; create a positive memory or strengthen our social networks. Eg. a game of tennis)
Meaning (Using our strengths in service of something larger than ourselves like family, community, an institution, knowledge, justice or something spiritual. Eg. volunteering)
Flow (the sort of feeling we may get from a task that fully engages our abilities but doesn’t test them to breaking point. Eg. writing or music)

Top tip:

“Use your signature strengths and virtues in the service of something much larger than you are.” ~ Martin Seligman

Day 765

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Happiness. That’s what it’s all about – greetings, festivals, blessings, wishes, prayers, careers, relationships, food, fame, fortune, birthdays, weddings, everything. Directly or indirectly it is the subject of countless books and films. Most stories and encounters navigate through all odds steering their way towards happy endings. Many spiritual and religious programs promise lasting happiness. ‘Happily ever after’… is the stuff fairy tales are made of.

At this point in my story, my relationship with happiness is elusive. Intellectually it seems unfortunate because I have everything a girl could want and more, but my heart physically aches. The dagger that struck 25 months ago is still wedged in there. Every now and then it twitches and twists, radiating shooting pains. I sit with it, observe it, experience it and honour it. I look at it with love and as love. I live and breathe through it. I absorb it and carry on as ‘normal’. It is a part of me.

Could this very dagger be the route to access true happiness? Is this wishful thinking? A fantasy? Or is it really possible? If happiness arises from within and that is exactly where the pain is, there must be a relationship between the two. May be there is tonnes of happiness there, waiting for me to unlock it and ‘let go’ of the things that make me sad. May be it’s all up to me. May be it is do-able and I am just not doing it. May be it’s time.

I don’t know.

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