Memories

Day 743

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Being in a sunny place is lovely as long as I am not directly in the sun. Similarly, being next to a large water body is really soothing as long as I am not directly in the water. I have never felt comfortable in water. Although I pride myself on the regular practise of breathing exercises, when it comes to breathing in water, I am all coughs and splutters. I can swim the length of one breath at one time. While on land I think I am well coordinated, in water I am as clumsy as a drunk elephant.

Somehow I was gently persuaded to have a diving lesson this morning. The instructor, Joseph seemed calm and proficient. I had a short introduction to the theory, the kit and the sign language. Getting into the wetsuit was a bit of a wriggle. We had a trial run in the clear blue swimming pool and went through some of the essential skills.

I had serious reservations about the real thing as I was sure I would panic and make a mess of it. But I tumbled off the boat into the water and descended. It was like being in space. The buoyancy was like nothing I’ve experienced before and the view mesmerising. I single-mindedly stuck with slow long breaths, in and out, in and out through the mouth. Every now and then I equalised the pressure in my ears and cleared my mask and that was it. I lost sense of my limbs and fins. Joseph was in-charge and I was all eyes. I felt like an intruder in this happy, peaceful, magical place. The floor and walls were covered in a carpet of colourful corals where many gorgeous fish of all shapes and sizes played hide and seek. A shoal of tiny silver ones swam right over me. To experience such ecstasy in complete silence made it extra special. The silence made me feel very close to Saagar but I missed him. He didn’t get to learn diving. He would have loved it.

Today’s dive was for you my darling. Love you. xxx

Day 739

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“This is the best daal I have had outside of India” said one of our friends who really does know his food as he runs a vegetarian café and restaurant. I was utterly flattered that he would ask me for the recipe. It was completely ad hoc cooking as most of mine is. Just follow broad principles and keep it simple. Anyway, I jogged my memory and came up with something. Here’s what it is, I think:

Ingredients :

1 cup mixture of 3 daals : 1/3rd each – pink coral, yellow and split yellow with husk
Spinach – about 300 grams.
Chopped onion – 1medium
Chopped ginger – 1 inch piece
Tomatos 2 medium- each cut in 4 pieces
Cumin seeds – 1 and a half teaspoon – coarsely ground
Mustard seeds- 1 tsp
Fresh curry leaves : 6-7 (optional)
Asafoetida powder -pinch
Coriander powder : 1 and a half table spoon.
Salt, turmeric, 1 green chilly
Tamarind paste : 1 tsp
Lemon juice
Sambar powder -1 tsp (optional)
Desi ghee – 1 tablespoon
Fresh coriander leaves

Method:

Wash and boil the daal mix with salt and turmeric. Add spinach when half done.
Heat ghee – splutter mustard seeds, add cumin seeds, asafoetida, coarsely chopped green chilly, curry leaves, ginger and onions – fry till light brown.
Add coriander powder and fry for another minute.
Add the boiled daal and spinach mix, bring to a boil. add tamarind paste and water as required to get the desired consistency.
Then add the chopped tomatoes and sambar powder.
Boil for a few minutes and then add juice of half a lemon just before serving. Garnish with fresh coriander leaves.

Best served with plain basmati rice and bhindi 😉

It is so satisfying to cook a nice meal for friends and family. I miss cooking for Saagar. He loved my Mum’s cooking and rightly so. I was econd best but I was happy to be second best. I would tell him off for licking his plate after meals sometimes and he would say, “It’s a compliment Mamma.” I know. It was.

Day 737

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There is scientific evidence to support that a particular intervention benefits the following conditions:

  • Lung function in asthma
  • Disease severity in rheumatoid arthritis
  • Pain and physical health in cancer
  • Immune response in HIV infection
  • Hospitalisations for cystic fibrosis
  • Pain intensity in women with chronic pelvic pain
  • Sleep-onset latency in poor sleepers
  • Post-operative course

That particular intervention is – Expressive writing.

The body of literature that demonstrates beneficial effects of expressive writing has been growing over the past 30 years. One of the earliest studies conducted by Pennebaker and Beall in 1986 compared 2 groups of students. Both groups were asked to write for 15 minutes on 4 consecutive days. One group put down their thoughts and feelings about the most traumatic or upsetting event of their life while the other wrote about something trivial, like their shoes or room. The first group self reported fewer visits to the Health Centre and fewer days off due to illness for up to 6 months after the writing exercise, as compared to the second group.

Meta-analyses show that while the improvement in physical health is clear, the results for psychological health are mixed. For a small group of trauma survivors, writing was even found to be detrimental. Although further research is required to clarify populations for whom writing is clearly effective, there is sufficient evidence for clinicians to use expressive writing in therapeutic settings with caution. Indeed, some experts noted that a drug intervention reporting medium effect sizes similar to those found for expressive writing would be regarded as a major medical advance.

(Source: http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/11/5/338 ; http://healthland.time.com/2013/07/13/how-writing-heals-wounds-of-both-the-mind-and-body/)

For me, writing is life-saving. It gives me a reason to get through the day. It gives my days a focal point inseparable from my love for Saagar. It gives me the strength to carry on. It is the thread that connects so many of us in a beautiful mesh. It helps me discover the joy of writing and the pain of expressing true emotion. It forces me to confront reality, however horrible. It gives me a sense of control over my life, however false. It is my daily meditation, my refuge, my ritual, my learning. I write to heal. I write to write.

Thank you for entertaining the ramblings of an old woman.

Day 742

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Sad times are sad.
Happy times are sad.
Mundane times are sad.

Wish he was here to enjoy the renovations and the light that they allow in.
Wish he could rest on the new brown sofa.
Wish he could gaze through the big windows.
Wish he could come on holidays with us.
Wish he could help water the plants and mow the lawn.
Wish he could sometimes put the bin out on Mondays.

Wish he would do his Vietnamese accent for me and have me in splits! 
He would’ve loved the ‘contactless’ use of plastic cards.
Wish he could feel Milkshake’s incredible fur.
Wish he could meet some of our new friends and we his.
Wish he could finally agree with me about Jeremy Clarkson being an absolute plonker.
Wish he could have the satisfaction of knowing that he finally managed to teach me how to use dried oregano.
Wish he could open the marmalade jar for me when I can’t.
Wish he could rescue me from my computer problems.
Wish we could watch something silly on TV together.
Wish he would ask me for a lift to the gym.
Wish we could cook hot chicken curry for our friends.
Wish we could sit and talk. Then go for a walk.
Wish he would sometimes make tea for me when I got home.
Then play me a new beat on his drums.

Wish he knew how much he is missed, loved and cherished.
Wish he would appear out of nowhere, just like he disappeared into it.

Day 737

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“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
‘So do I,’ said Gandolf, ’and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.’

Tolkein wrote this roughly 80 years ago but it is ageless.

‘It must be really hard talking about Saagar in public meetings. Is it?’
The answer is ‘Yes. It is. Very hard.’
But I have decided to do it with the strong intention of creating awareness, breaking the stigma and making sure that through the lessons learnt from the poor management of his illness, other lives can be saved. I have decided to put this intention out to the universe with the promise that I will do everything I can. It is my belief that the universe is responding and will respond to support this true intention.

I can’t get how he died out of my heart and head,  even tough it happened in 1 second. I sometimes forget to honour who Saagar was and how he lived. He lived for 20 years, 5 monthS and ten days! One of the comments his Head Master made about him was, ‘he spoke to me the same way he spoke to a student 3 years younger than him.’ He treated everyone with respect and light heartedness. He found every opportunity to laugh and make others laugh. He brought out the best in people. I need to learn from him to enjoy my life and relationships, to enrich my life and that of others through every interaction. I must decide to do that too.