the now

Day 214

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It’s exam time again!
I am thinking of all of his friends at university. A lot of them will graduate this year. 🙂
They have had a tough year.

What to do? Eat good food, drink plenty of water and get 6-8 hours of sleep every night.

Stick to a routine and do what makes you happy – exercise, dance, music, whatever releases your happy hormones and keeps you grounded. Painting, yoga, meditation, rowing, sewing, whatever rocks your boat.

Let it go. Accept the things that you can’t change (I know it sounds easy). Focus on the task at hand and take control by working through your revision plan and achieving your study goals, working through past papers and giving it your best shot on the day.

What not to do? 1. Worry. 2. Take chemicals that mess with the head. You don’t need them. You can do this better on your own.

Advice for parents : “Keep things in perspective,” say experts, “Listen to them, give support and avoid criticism.”
In some situations there are no second chances. Luckily that is not the case with exams.

Trust me, there is no one quite like you on this whole planet. You are precious. Don’t think you have to move mountains everyday for it to be worth something. Some days you just have to open your eyes. Nobody deserves to be here more than you. You deserve every happiness. It’s going to be alright. Much more than alright.

You are enough.

Day 211

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”You shouldn’t think about it all the time.”, advised a dear friend with a lot of love and concern.

In fact, it is not a thought. It is an integral part of me. It is not something I have a choice about. Or so it seems. It lives inside of me – the grief, the joy, the pride, the past, present and future. I don’t know how to separate it from me. In fact I am not sure I want to. I don’t know who I would be without it. For now, this is how it is.

A Cherokee Indian chief was teaching his grandson about life…”A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.”
“One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.”
“The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”
“This same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”
The old chief replied,” The one you feed.”

May be I do have a choice.

Day 208

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The conversation amongst 4 people at the dinner table next to ours at a restaurant went like this- “We ran into him at the ski resort and he continued to address me as Sarah instead of Sandra. It was so annoying!” said one quite exasperated. “Yes. Our neighbor is a bit like that and he always has a skip in front of his house. This morning it disappeared to my great relief. Only to reappear in the afternoon!” said another. The third lady had severe issues with inheritance tax. I really enjoyed listening. It made me smile.

So did this note from a friend: “There seems to be a continuing struggle between our wish for more communal, cooperative lives and the attractions of egocentrism. I hold a door open for someone coming after me, they say thank you: a common positive spirit has lit up between us. I do the same thing and a person walks through talking on their phone without acknowledgement, the light flickers out. I hope that you’ll find enough of the common positive spirit to sustain you.” I do.
There is more positivity in this world than we allow ourselves to express or experience.

This poem on ‘undefinable’ relationships by an amateur poetess did too:

I have a story about us.
You may like it.

Is it true?
Certainly not.
But it is a most satisfying lie.

Hmm..
The truth?
Truth has no words,
You know that.
Wonder why people claim to speak it.

You have the truth.
Or half of it.
My half is a twinkle in the eye
shrugging off the words
with no meaning
chuckling softly
at this frantic search for a cloak that fits.

Let the truth be.
Let us trade stories
Till these new clothes
Fit better.

Day 203

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The last 4 and a half hours were spent with a few of his close friends at our home, eating, drinking, hugging, laughing, talking and sharing ideas about working together and organizing events in order to raise awareness of mental health issues and generate funds for mental health charities.

I can’t remember having such a creative and fun time with his friends ever before. One of them commented, ”There can be no silver lining but I am so glad I have gotten to know you guys so well over the last few months.” Us too.

At a recent support group meeting one parent described bereavement by suicide as a huge concrete block that has landed in our living room. Initially it is just there all the time and all we can do is look at it. There is no way of getting around it. Slowly we make adjustments to be able to move about despite it being in the way. Eventually little plants start growing from underneath it. That is what is happening. Over time may be these plants will bear flowers and fruits. May be they will form a garden. But the concrete block will always be there, in our living room and our life. 

“I shall pass through this world but once. If, therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good things I can do, let me do it now; let me not defer it or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

The need for raising more awareness was further highlighted by this story of a young athlete, Madison, who hid her struggles and her illness behind her gorgeous instagram pictures. She tragically ended her life at the age of 19. Everytime I hear a story like this, my heart breaks, yet again.

Day 201

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Happy 21st Birthday my Jaan!

The day you were born is fresh in my memory. It seems like it was just a little while ago. That was a happy happy day. I used to talk to you before you were born and I still do. Some things stay the same.

Last year we spoke about your 21st birthday celebrations and I offered to hire a pink limo for you and your friends to go into town in. We shared some other crazy ideas like that. In reality we knew that you would probably be at university and I would be at home. It turns out you are out in the universe and I am at home.

Since last night I have been receiving messages on your behalf from our family and friends. Your friends are taking good care of me. You should be really proud of them. I didn’t know you had so many friends who loved you so dearly. Here is a sample message “He was the most beautiful person, inside and out and I miss him everyday. I’m wishing him the happiest of birthdays and sending all my love to you and him.” You never cease to amaze me.

We baked your favourite chocolate brownies. They were absolutely yummilicious!!! In my mind I have shared them with you. I know you are beyond the physical world but I would come back for these if I were you.

All forms of separation, disconnects, divides, partings, breakups, and goodbyes are temporary.
We’ll be together far, far longer than we will ever be apart.