Just realised that I have created Day 29, two times. Getting back in synchronicity now, with everything generally. So, Day 56 had to go.

I also realised that the words ‘I’, ‘my’ and ‘mine’ appear in this blog time and time again. That is a well known cause of unhappiness too. What is mine really? Who am I? A false sense of ‘self’ created through defining oneself through things, people or roles? The dream like fog of Varanasi has blurred the lines between the sky and earth, land and water, you and me and life & death for me for ever.

One bit of good news is that the two sets of investigators spoke with each other and agreed that they need to study the details of this case together for their work to be meaningful. It is good to be heard. I thank them for taking our suggestions on board. Listening is an art. A very rare one. Being listened to feels really good. I could not do my job if I did not listen. One third of all ‘communication’ is listening or receiving information. I suppose it is for us to make sure we hear and are heard, one way or another. Speak loud and clear. Take responsibility when I allow what I say to go unheard. Think about why that might be. Is it because other people’s opinion of ‘me’ might change for the worse? How much does that really matter?

Today was a good day. I woke up before dawn for a boat ride down the ganges, along the ‘ghats’. The misty morning was truly magical! The trip to Kashi-Vashwanath temple was an interesting reminder of the joys of organized religion. We were once again faced by the reality of the unfairness of life – the amount of money earned by the priest in half an hour was the same as that earned by our guide in one day!

The highlight of the day has to be the dip in the Ganges at sunrise, the water being really cold! I was a bit worried about the (un)hygienic aspects of the immersion but then could not resist what is a ‘must do’ activity in this part of the world. I must admit that despite my reservations, I felt absolutely refreshed and rejuvenated thereafter. It is hard to explain the feeling – a mix of exhilarating, cleansing, like being blessed and freed by Mother nature.

That is what I did today – blessed and freed him. I accept what is.

In the evening I went around some saree shops and got myself not one but two sarees. Life is a gift, good company is a great gift, joy and enthusiasm is God. Our guide is a very sweet proud ‘benarasi babu’. He says “there is only three thing to do – walking, talking and smiling’. I agree. 🙂

Our tourist guide started by saying – Varanasi is a place of ‘learning and burning’. Very true. It is also a conglomeration of fire and water, heat and dust, monkeys and dogs, purity and dirt, life and death, devotion and neglect, peace and chaos, holy men and tourists, kite-flying and elaborate prayer ceremonies, aromas and stenches. We spent the day walking along the banks of the river Ganga, watching all the activities and preparing ourselves for the ceremony in the evening.

At one point, I felt very angry. Being the elder sister to two younger brothers, I was expected to always be ‘good’ so that they would learn by example and I did my best. I have worked really hard all my life. I have put myself through significant isolation and rigour to be able to provide well for my family. After all that, I clearly don’t deserve this!

When the time came, we said a few prayers, made some offerings and let him go. Now, he is free. I pray for his peace.

What have I learnt? Among other things, NO self pity, no matter what.

Sri Aurobindo has said, “There is no mortality. It is only the immortal who can die; the mortal can neither be born nor perish.”

Varanasi is a place of pilgrimage situated on the banks of river Ganga. This is where learned saints and sages of yore came to take their last breaths so that they could attain ‘Moksha’ or freedom from the cycle of re-birth.

The human body is believed to be made up of 5 elements: earth, water, air, fire and ether. My son’s mortal remains have already been merged with the atmosphere through the Fire God, who stands for enlightenment, purity and truth, during the Cremation ceremony. Today my partner and I have brought the ashes of my darling son here, to deliver him to his final resting place.

I have been carrying the urn with me all day – in the taxi, at the airport, walking in the streets, feeling like he is with me, making jokes about how heavy he is and feeling proud of him as usual. Tomorrow I will have no choice but to completely let go. Let go of the pain, the sadness, the immense attachment, the anger, the angst and the guilt. Everything except love.

Only love is real.