Pain is just pain. It turns into suffering when we choose to allow it to become that.

A few days ago, a well-meaning friend tried to explain the various stages of grieving to me. I am sure it has been studied extensively and lots of material published on it. Somehow, I was not keen to find out all about it, not because I know better but because I don’t think the experience  is the same for any two people. I just wanted to be with my feelings and observe them as they came and went.

At present I am watching a little part of me feeling like if I was to go back to being ‘normal’, it would be a betrayal to his memory. Isn’t it too early to do that anyway? What is the right time? Someone said, ‘don’t take any big decisions for at least 6 months’. Where does that figure come from? How can it apply to everyone in the same situation?

Tomorrow is a big day for our family as there is a birthday and an anniversary to celebrate. In addition, I have an hour and a half long telephonic meeting with the investigators. Should be interesting.

I shall just experience the experience.

Think of Breast Cancer and immediately we think of …… pink ribbon foundation, of course, whose main aim is ‘to advance the understanding of breast cancer, its early detection and treatment’.

Think of mental illness and ………. well, not clearly visible.

A Black Rose for me represents many things – darkness and mystery, resistance and courage, tragic love and deep devotion, rebirth and rejuvination, end of an era paving the way for a new beginning, death and mourning. There are a number of charities doing a lot of good work in the field of Mental health – Bipolar UK, Mind and Equilibrium to name a few, but they do not have a prominent visual presence. How great it would be if we could create more visibility and hence more awareness of Mental illness and the issues surrounding it.

Today the moon is full again – seems like the most appropriate night to be thinking about a logo to represent those who are allegedly greatly affected by the lunar cycle.

At present, I recognise that the biggest battles for me are firstly, dealing with the pointless guilt I have and secondly, dealing with the pain of missing him. Well, I did do the best I could and nothing is wholly dead that once lived, be it people or love.

Love you darling. xxx

It turns out that it was not just Mercury but other planets and cosmic forces were also conspiring against us. Saturn, Rahu and Ketu were all in cahoots. So much so they managed to have the solar and the lunar eclipse within the same calendar month – October 2014! Together they eclipsed my son from me forever.

Last week has been restful and contemplative. The village where I stayed was a huge contrast to the Big Smoke that I am used to. The one thing people had was plenty of time. How unusual is that for this day and age. Education meant understanding local flora and fauna, protecting the environment and planning living spaces in an all-inclusive and sustainable way. Schools had an ethos that allows kids to be who they are and express themselves openly. The only rule being – no violence, verbal or physical. I felt great admiration for the inspiring work being done by a couple of local NGOs. I could have just stayed.

My spiritual leader says – ‘Walk lightly on this planet.’ I have been doing quite the contrary. But I do feel lighter than I have in a long time, despite the fact that I have not been doing any of the things that I would ‘normally’ have done, such as, work, listen to music, spend time with friends, watch films, talk about it and cry a lot and eat some chocolate. Going back to work just doesn’t make any sense right now.

What is the new ‘normal’? What do I want to do with my life now?

Today was a day of exploring the concept of ‘Karma’ which is an eastern theory which explains the present circumstances of an individual with reference to his or her actions in the past, during this birth or previous births. The fundamental assumptions of this theory are that reincarnation is for real and that the soul is immortal. Is that why some of the loveliest people leave the planet early? It must have something to do with their actions in their past birth. The same goes for their loved ones, who suffer due to their ‘karma’.

The Masters have spoken about past lives – ‘We choose when we will come into our physical state and when we will leave. We know when we have accomplished what we were sent down here to accomplish. We know when the time is up, and we will accept our death. For we know that we can get nothing more out of this lifetime.’

This rings true for me because during the last few weeks of his life, my son did not enjoy anything of this world and had no contribution to make towards anything. The fact that he could not be himself was painful for him. He coped with it for as long as he could.

It is 7 weeks today since he passed away. I only realised today was a thursday towards the end of the day, which I suppose is a good sign. While walking uphill on a mud track this evening I was starting to break into a sweat when out of nowhere a gentle breeze started to blow. I could feel him in the air, in the sunset, in the clouds, in the smiles of the village kids, in my heart.

All of us are divine sparks of the universal light. He has merged back into the light and shines bright as ever, keeping a special few rays for me. Thank you my darling. I love you so much!!!