A hundred days have gone by. It feels like it happened just a few weeks ago. It is so fresh in my memory: the phone conversation with him that morning that left me feeling very unsettled as he did not speak much, the deep discomfort I felt as I was heading home from work, his note, the panic with which I yelled out his name and ran up the stairs, the phone call with emergency services where the lady at the other end of the line kept speaking with me till someone arrived, the Transport Police at my door, his wallet and keys, the description of a grey hoody with a penguin on it and lime green shoes …….
Most of today was spent in bed, feeling awfully sad, physically weak and defeated, trying to get my head around the fact that 100 days had passed and I was still stuck. I watched one TED talk after another concerning mental health issues and suicide, looked up the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website and details of the PHQ-9. I watched myself get angry about the fact that 2 days before he ended his ordeal we had visited the GP who did not get him to fill out a PHQ-9, which is an essential monitoring tool for someone being treated for depression. That made me feel just plain exhausted!
Looking for some comfort I went back to reading the ‘Bhagwat Geeta’ which says, “The whole universe is filled with just one thing, one spirit and everyone is made up of that One Spirit”. This oneness is a fundamental quality of everything. Everything is a part of and made of one non-dual consciousness. That made me realise that my son is me and I am him. You and I are one. I have known this for a long time. This reality lies way beyond the physical world, time and space.
During the silence of the evening, it was clear to me that I need to start making myself useful. To be able to spread peace and joy, I need to be peaceful and joyful. This hymn that I used to sing in school came to mind:
Make me a channel of your peace
Where there’s despair in life, let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there’s sadness, ever joy.
Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul.