Day 100

A hundred days have gone by. It feels like it happened just a few weeks ago. It is so fresh in my memory: the phone conversation with him that morning that left me feeling very unsettled as he did not speak much, the deep discomfort I felt as I was heading home from work, his note, the panic with which I yelled out his name and ran up the stairs, the phone call with emergency services where the lady at the other end of the line kept speaking with me till someone arrived, the Transport Police at my door, his wallet and keys, the description of a grey hoody with a penguin on it and lime green shoes …….

Most of today was spent in bed, feeling awfully sad, physically weak and defeated, trying to get my head around the fact that 100 days had passed and I was still stuck. I watched one TED talk after another concerning mental health issues and suicide, looked up the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website and details of the PHQ-9. I watched myself get angry about the fact that 2 days before he ended his ordeal we had visited the GP who did not get him to fill out a PHQ-9, which is an essential monitoring tool for someone being treated for depression. That made me feel just plain exhausted!

Looking for some comfort I went back to reading the ‘Bhagwat Geeta’ which says, “The whole universe is filled with just one thing, one spirit and everyone is made up of that One Spirit”.  This oneness is a fundamental quality of everything. Everything is a part of and made of one non-dual consciousness. That made me realise that my son is me and I am him. You and I are one. I have known this for a long time. This reality lies way beyond the physical world, time and space.

During the silence of the evening, it was clear to me that I need to start making myself useful. To be able to spread peace and joy, I need to be peaceful and joyful. This hymn that I used to sing in school came to mind:

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there’s despair in life, let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there’s sadness, ever joy.

 Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul. 

 

 

 

 

3 thoughts on “Day 100

  1. Hi —

    I just found your blog and started reading it, as my former partner and best friend took his own life, on the same day your son did! Just reaching out to give a virtual hug.

    I haven’t figured out the best way to document my own experience with Travis’s death. Since I am not immediate family, I am not the only one to think about being affected by detailing personal information about him or his circumstances.

    The only things I have put up on a blog can be found here, if you are interested — http://both-and.me/schizo/

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  2. PS – I just looked at what I wrote, some of it might not make much sense — I had a really intense experience leading up to his death, I was scared that I would have to go to the hospital, my heart was racing and my thoughts were moving so fast that I had a hard time keeping track of them. I had been awake for about 3 days and couldn’t calm down enough to sleep. On the morning of the 16th, I started to come down out of what a psychiatrist would call a “manic” episode (I had never felt that way before), and I felt an intense feeling of peace and the acceptance of the fact that Travis might never be fully “recovered”, even though I believed he could, but that I was going to be there for him as much as possible, just by calling and making sure to keep up with him, but not to change my life plans because of him (I had considered moving back to where he lived) – any guilt I felt about “not helping enough” was relieved. Then I got the call that he had taken his own life, and it all made sense.

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    • Dear Allie. Thank you for the hug! I send you a big one too. I am so sorry for your loss. I love the way you choose your words – “he decided to leave……” It takes tremendous love and acceptance to be able to do that. I wish you well. I hope your sense of peace stays with you for a long long time to come and the waves bring more love and gratitude with them.
      Lots of love,
      Sangeeta.

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