Sitting by the fire on a wet, cold and windy day in the company of friends is very comforting. This is what I have been doing all day. Looking at the dancing flames changing shapes every second and listening to the hissing and crackling sounds made me think about my changing relationship with fire, the ultimate witness: surrendering my son to it, using it as a medium to help him easily and peacefully transcend into the ethereal plane and now getting comforted and reassured by it.

Today was a day of consciously not mentioning him in conversation every time I thought of him. Lately that was becoming a temptation that I gave in to at every opportunity. I don’t have to worry about others or me forgetting him. Too many soft spots have been created for him in too many hearts for his memory to be easily erased. I am reminded of the lyrics of one of my favourite songs, Hotel California by The Eagles:

“You can check-out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

One of his dear friends sent me a framed picture of them looking absolutely marvellous together in black tie. This insightful young man had the courage to share how he had found it so difficult to deal with loosing a dear friend so suddenly. His letter said “I remember how much he wanted to introduce us to you. He was extremely proud to call you his mother…. please keep finding beauty in every aspect of life…”

I am so grateful to you for such honest and loving communication.

We are not alone. We have each other, now and always.