Today I was visited by 2 very unwelcome guests – anger and resentment.
Anger at this whole situation!
At myself for being so ignorant, for not having picked up on any of the warning signs, for happily being in denial about the seriousness of his illness, for not asking for help, for asking for help too late and from the wrong people! I felt angry at everyone who knew he was suicidal but did not tell me because he didn’t want them to or for reasons best known to them. I felt angry at everyone he and I asked for help from and they didn’t or couldn’t. I felt outrage at the people we trusted and who let us down!
I felt furious at the ‘honorary’ consultant psychiatrist who was supposed to ‘look after’ my son. He is an academic, hence works with real patients only one day per week. The rest of the time he does research. Research is useless unless best clinical practice and better outcomes for patients are achieved. Given the proximity of South London and Maudsley Hospital to the IoPPN (Institute of Psychiatry, Psychology and Neuroscience, King’s College. London) patient care should be better there than the rest of the UK but it isn’t. Most consultants are ‘honorary’ and their main focus is research.
I felt resentful of everyone who doesn’t have to light a candle in front of their dead child’s picture everyday.
The present moment is inevitable. The present moment is inevitable, The present moment is bloody inevitable.
And you’re entitled to every single word, thought and feeling of that anger. Rage it all out, as much of it as you can anyway.