Day 378

When I was being with ‘non-resistance’ on Day 375 I felt light and at ease, like a fresh water stream running through a quiet forest, cleansing everything that came in it’s way. Whereas yesterday, while I was filled with anger I felt like a grimy old brick wall spattered with blood.

Over the course of today, some of that water has washed off some of that dirt. Both things co-exist, each finding expression in different ways at different times.

How would my son want me to be? He was very forgiving. If he knew something made me happy, he put his own feelings aside. For instance I know my cycling worried him a lot as he thought I could easily get hurt. He expressed that concern in the gentlest way possible because he knew I enjoyed it so much. He didn’t bear any grudges. He was open hearted and accepting of other people’s decisions. He just wanted to be happy and make others happy. Could I ever be like him?

The candle that I light for him everyday brings light to this world and to my life, just like love does. His thoughts and memories do too. Here’s an adapted poem that another grieving Mum shared with me.

“Light a candle, see it glow,
watch it dance, when you feel low,
think of me, think of light,
I’ll always be here, day or night,
a candle can flicker, sometimes out of sight,
but in your heart, It still burns ever so bright,
think not of sadness, that I’m not near,
think of memories and never fear
I have not left you, I’m always here”

In the end there is only room for love.

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