Day 442

“Look at yourself.
Look at yourself real close.
Think of all that you’ve been through.
All the tears you’ve cried.
All the hurt you’ve felt.
All the times you thought you couldn’t handle it anymore.
Look how far you’ve come.
How strong you are today.
How brave and beautiful you are.
You’re stronger than you think.
You’re one amazing person.
Know that.
Tell yourself.
Believe it.”

Reading these lines on facebook, eased the tension in my muscles. It was just what I needed. If someone would have said the same thing to me I wouldn’t have believed it but reading these words, sitting all by myself in complete silence was the best thing that happened today. It gave me a new lens through which I can look at myself in a different way. Now I can take a break from the usual self-admonishing lens that has been burning holes through me over the past 15 and a half months. I am aware of how frayed the fabric of my life is as a result.

I did smile, even if it was a little faded. I remembered the time, a long time ago when every morning I used to give myself a real big smile in the mirror. I know it sounds goofy but it felt great and was a lovely way to start the day.

May be it’s time for me to acknowledge myself for the triumph of getting through each hour of each day, equipped with an amputated heart which, unlike an amputated limb is not visible to anyone but me.

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