Day 549

Things I wish I knew

I could write a book on the things I wish I had known.
I know a few of them now but he’s already gone.
I wish I ‘d known that self-destructive, suicidal thoughts can come to anyone, at anytime, irrespective of how good-looking, clever or wealthy they are or what race, religion, sex or profession they belong to.

I wish I knew that suicide claims the precious lives of many a young men every year.
I wish I knew how difficult it is for those having these treacherous thoughts to talk about them and ask for help.
I wish I knew the accompanying shame and guilt as though it was their own fault.

I wish I knew how unwell he was.
I wish I could see his soul invisibly bleeding to death.
I wish his doctors could see it.
I wish his pills had been the right ones for him.

I wish someone had told me the warning signs to watch out for and recognise ‘crisis’ when it happened.
I wish I knew how to read into his desperation and help him open up, feeling safe.
I wish I knew how to break through the wall of silence that surrounded him.

I wish I knew that he meant ‘suicidal thoughts’ when he said ‘random thoughts’.
I wish I understood his pain and confusion.
I wish I knew that despite having the world at his feet he secretly wanted to escape from it.

I wish that I knew that even though he was my darling son only 20, he could die.

Most of all I wish I knew how to think and talk about suicide.

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