Day 653

A note out of Saagar’s memory book from University:

“So, I have a memory I’d like to share. We were in the room above Saagar’s on C Curve and somebody was jumping up and down on the floor.
Jack (big guy, played guitar with Saagar in Lenny and the Mandem) said to them, ”No, no. Don’t jump up and down like that. It makes the floor wobble.” And he jumped up and down a few times himself to demonstrate.

Thirty seconds later Saagar comes storming into the room, HOLDING A LIGHT FITTING, saying, “I think this is pretty f***ing funny. Don’t you?” and nursing a rather nasty bump on the head. We laughed for about 10 minutes. And once we told him what had happened I think he saw the funny side too. You couldn’t make up comic timing like that.

I’ll remember Saagar for his magnificent drumming, (I’ll certainly remember him when I have to get premature hearing aids thanks to how loud he was!) nights spent watching those awful BBC 3 trashy medical shows, recoiling in horror and sympathy at various horrible interventions on men’s gentleman’s areas; and he really liked my multi-coloured shorts.

Truth be told though, I owe Saagar more than those memories(although I’ll always hold on to those). I february this year, I hit a nadir of my own and I reached a point where I seriously considered ending my own life as well. Not that I wanted to. I never wanted to. But when you have mental health problems it’s like civil war erupting inside your head where the other side persuades you that ending your own life is the right thing to do. And it does that by making you believe that things are never going to get better. At the point when, in your mind, suicide becomes a realistic option, you really genuinely believe that.
The thing that stayed my hand when I reached that point was Saagar. I had seen the fallout from when somebody takes their own life. I knew I mustn’t do that to my family(and a second time for many of my friends). It was that that made me stop and seek help and now I have made a full recovery.

In a way, I owe Saagar my life.

If Saagar hadn’t killed himself, I almost certainly would have done and perhaps it would be my name on the stone and him writing a message in a book to my family.
I want to thank him for my continued existence and apologise more than words can convey to his family that this is the way things happened.”


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