Day 666

Many years ago it was believed that the map of the brain of adults is fixed. It is fairly fully formed by early childhood and if for some reason it got dented by traumatic experiences in childhood, that is how it would stay for the rest of their lives.

However in the early nineteenth century the term ‘Neuro-plasticity’ was introduced. ‘ Neuro’ representing the neurons or brain cells and ‘plastic’ meaning their moldable and changeable nature.

Researchers showed that after monkeys were taught to spin a wheel in a very specific way that required an acute sense of touch in a couple of fingers, their brains changed. The part of their brain that received signals from those particular fingers was found to have increased by four times.

What does this mean for us?

The Nobel laureate Dr Charles Sherrington described the brain as “an enchanted loom with millions of flashing shuttles that weave a dissolving pattern, always a meaningful one, though never an abiding one.” It is the weaver who changes the loom by the very act of weaving. Hence, an activity, repeated over and over can change the brain cells and the pathways formed by the connections between them.

This can apply to the process of healing too – by practicing healing habits, we can begin to alter the looms of our brain. It could be painting, singing, walking or anything else.

Writing everyday since Day 0 has been a healing habit. I don’t think about how good or bad I am at it. I just do it. It helps.

Day 665

Another chapel.
Another service.
Another departure without a good-bye.
Another bunch of people in grief and black.
Another room full of sniffles and sorrow.
Another beautiful smile forever loved and missed.
Another reminder of indiscriminate randomness.
Another family’s future laid to rest.
Another opportunity to remember what’s important.
Another place to experience deep love.

Despite never having met any of M’s( a friend from work) family before, I could guess who’s who just by looking at them. Her hubby and her boys absolutely fitted her descriptions. Her youngest graduated this year without his Mum by his side. I found myself in juxtaposition with him. I could feel their shock from her sudden departure and could also see the strength they derived from one another. It was a familiar place. Through the people and conversations I got to know her so much better. I could recognise her sense of humour in the eulogies. It runs in the family.

On so many occasions we agreed that we should meet outside of work but that somehow never happened. Every time we made a plan, something got in the way. I wish…

Her sisters told me how much my friendship with M meant to her. It meant a lot to me too but I never really told her that in so many words. I wish…

I love you M.
Thank you for being my friend.
It has been an absolute joy and privilege to know you.

Bye-bye Miss American Pie!

Day 664

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Carrying on from yesterday’s saga – the laptop with a lot of my life in it stopped working. Very hopefully, I took it to the local shop at 10.30 am. They said they would call me around 6 pm and tell me if they can fix it. That left me a full day without much to do. I had to stop and think why this was happening. What was the lesson in this for me?

Maybe the universe wants me to give myself a break, freeing myself from deadlines and compulsive writing. Maybe this is another exercise in letting go. May be this is a day given to me as a gift to do something different, something fun. May be I just surrender to what is and make the most of what I have – a sunny day off work in this case. Not a very common occurrence.

So, I did. I was tempted to start working on the I-pad, instead I got in the car with my parents and we drove to one of my favourite places a short scenic distance away from home – the Lavender fields.

The gorgeous colours, the hypnotising fragrance, the luminous sky, the playful sun, the open fresh air, the kids in colourful hats, the selfie takers and … just being there with the two  people I cherish most, I felt immensely blessed. This is what I needed to do. Reclaim my life. Live it. In love and gratitude.

Day 663

It travelled everywhere with me. 
I spent countless hours with it. It was always there for me when I needed it. 

It helped me do my research. It helped me reach out to friends and strangers. It kept me connected with the world when I thought I wanted to be alone. It gently encouraged my creativity and provided me with the required inspiration. It allowed me to express myself and soaked up a lot of my sorrow and angst. 

It lovingly kept all Saagar’s pictures, documents and memories.It entertained me with music and films when I needed a break. It made me laugh and it made me cry. It patiently stored all my pending projects till I came back to them after long gaps. Over time I came to rely heavily on it. The thought that it was destructible crossed my mind a few times but I shoved it aside very very quickly.

Today’s date has been in my mind for the last 3 months as it is the deadline for a 5000 word article I have been working on. I woke up this morning, really excited about sending it in, got myself a cup of tea and started putting some finishing touches on it. The phone went and something had me completely distracted. I found myself trying to open a door, carrying the laptop in one hand a cup of tea in another and before I knew it, the laptop was lying open on the floor with droplets of black tea all over the key board. I did my best to get it dried out asap but first the cursor disappeared and then the screen went dead. 
It’s gone. For now anyway, it’s gone. 
I’ve missed it all day. The deadline has been extended by 1 week but without my laptop I am truly unsure of how I will get anything done. It was more a friend to me than I thought.

Day 662

“I sit beside the fire and think
Of all that I have seen
Of meadow flowers and butterflies
In summers that have been

Of yellow leaves and gossamer
In autumns that there were
With morning mist and silver sun
And wind upon my hair

I sit beside the fire and think
Of how the world will be
When winter comes without a spring
That I shall ever see

For still there are so many things
That I have never seen
In every wood in every spring
There is a different green

I sit beside the fire and think
Of people long ago
And people that will see a world
That I shall never know

But all the while I sit and think
Of times there were before
I listen for returning feet
And voices at the door”
― J.R.R. Tolkien